:::Righteously Hang On:::

{Not my photo}

Today during sacrament meeting, our bishop shared a quote by Ezra Taft Benson that immediately spoke to my heart. In his talk 'Do Not Despair,' President Benson said --

"There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you."

Wow. I wish I had heard this quote years ago. I suppose this is why we're told to study the prophets.

I feel like so much of my life has been spent just trying to hold on, and I've always felt guilty about that. I know so many people think that I don't try nearly as hard as I should in various aspects of my life, but from my perspective I count it as a great victory that I have always held on. No matter how weak my grip was, or how close to the edge I've been, I am still here. Some people may never understand what an accomplishment that is for me. However, I know that sometimes even your most monumental effort can only result in you righteously hanging on.

A while back I made a promise to myself and, I guess, to the Lord as well, that no matter what happened to me or how lost, scared, and hopeless I may ever become, I would always stay turned in the right direction. In the past when I would have long periods of struggle, one of my initial reactions was to start questioning the Gospel from square one. It was always an exhausting and self-defeating endeavor, and I was always worse for the wear afterward. I lost so much ground with the testimony I used to have, and it gave more room for doubt in my life.

With the promise that I made to myself, when a dark time comes my new reaction is to lock up my testimony and say to myself, 'No, you won't touch this. You know these things are true, the Gospel is meant for good times and bad times. These things don't get thrown out anymore.'

This has made such a difference for me. I don't know everything, and I certainly don't understand everything, but I have said to myself that as a Latter-day Saint I have accepted the Gospel of this church and the basic doctrine that it is founded on. Come what may, I will stay turned in that direction. Regardless of the noise, confusion, distractions, and assaults around me, I will stay turned in the direction of the Lord.

As President Benson said, I will always at least, 'righteously hang on.' And how's that part about 'outlasting the devil until his depressive spirits leave you?' That is a mighty strong motivating factor -- to outlast someone who only wants your misery and has never done anything for your benefit, nor anyone else's, for that matter. And, to outlast someone who's sole ambition it is to try and destroy the work of the Lord. A large part of me wants to hang on just to ensure one more victory for our Savior, who we all love so much.

This is a further excerpt from President Benson's talk --

"Pressing on in noble endeavors, even while surrounded by a cloud of depression, will eventually bring you out on top into the sunshine. Even our master Jesus the Christ, while facing that supreme test of being temporarily left alone by our Father during the crucifixion, continued performing his labors for the children of men, and then shortly thereafter he was glorified and received a fullness of joy. While you are going through your trial, you can recall your past victories and count the blessings that you do have with a sure hope of greater ones to follow if you are faithful. And you can have that certain knowledge that in due time God will wipe away all tears and that 'eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.'"

Beautiful.

:::A Full Tithe:::

The goal for 2010 -- remember to pay every other week so I don't have to play catch-up on the last Sunday of the year.

Dork.

:::Christian Ways:::

This post is long but I feel so strongly about this topic and wanted to share what I have been thinking today.

In church today we had a talk about retention and the true calling of Zion that put me to shame. If Christ could teach on the side of dirt roads to lepers and outcasts, then I can happily walk or metro or catch a ride to a renovated minimart, sit on hard plastic chairs, and teach nursery in a room the size of a walk-in closet. If His followers could learn on a fishing boat in a raging sea, if Joseph Smith could restore the gospel in swamps and prison cells, then I can do my work and feel the spirit in a non-traditional congregation. If my testimony relies on the trappings of a stereotypical Mormon ward -- the big building, the active congregation, the nice and new supplies, the people that all know how to act, the wonderful programs and fun activities -- then I am in a sad state. Then I have missed everything that Christ has ever taught about who He really is, and what it truly means to take His name upon us and bare the privilege of being called one of His disciples.

If I have ever made a new convert or a long time member feel like they weren't welcomed or they weren't good enough to be part of the fold because they didn't act 'The Mormon Way', then where the heck do I get off pointing my finger at others for making me feel this same way? I'm afraid that sometimes I might have been so desperate to be a success at fitting in that I have ignored the one so I could align myself with the ninety and nine. Or maybe I have tried to make someone else feel like the one so I wouldn't have to that random outlier that tarnishes the appearances of God's chosen people. There always has to be a scapegoat, right?

Here is something that I've realized about the Savior's ministry as I've learned more and more of His ways -- He was almost always with the ones that no one else wanted to be with, and not in a cool 'look at me' sort of way. Just quietly, day after day, when He could be doing more fun and personally comforting things. He touched lepers and walked next to adulterers and sinners. He knelt down next to the lame and listened to the mentally handicapped. And then He spoke with rich men and princes and merchants and priests. Then He brought all of these people together and said, 'Come follow me.' He had such goodness and love inside of Him that He could sit down with a ignorant man on one hand and a scholar on the other and make them friends. It wasn't a charity project, it wasn't a service activity, He was just being who He was, a Christian through and through.

My ward is not normal, and when I first started attending I was annoyed that things weren't all lined up the way I was used to. All I wanted was to go to church and have the same experiences that I was used to having. We always say that the church is the same everywhere. Well then, why wasn't someone doing something about my ward?

When we meet the Savior again I think we will be so happy, and He will be so happy to see us. But I also think there will be a moment where He show us the people we ignored or excluded because they were different and say to us, 'I coudn't be there, why didn't you go for me? I loved her so much, why couldn't you be her friend? Why did you let him sit alone? Why didn't you adapt to help them?' I don't think it will be about guilt, I think it will be a plaintive questioning from a Father who will want to know why His children didn't love each other more.


If I imagine the Savior during His mortal life, I see Him walking down a road alone, then meeting a man on the path. As he continues to walk He smiles, puts His arm around the man, and looks with deep interest and love into his eyes as the man begins to tell the Savior about his day, about his life. Up the road they come across another, and the Savior invites him to join them as they walk. When he does, Jesus acts the same to this man that he did towards the first man -- loving him and investing in his well-being. And in those encounters, however brief they may be, He loves both of them, He teaches both of them, and He brings them the gospel in a personal, adapted, and real way. He is the gospel in action, not in appearance or in culture. He acts out the gospel to those people, and because of His ways these men He met are now brothers and friends with all the most important things in common.

Everything falls away in the end. Flannel boards, primary songs, hymn books and pews, all these things are just the mortal props for an eternal gospel that has nothing to do with foyers and minivans and tank tops under t-shirts and firesides and Girls Camp. If I can't cope with the Gospel in any other form than the Western USA package, then I have missed the whole point, the whole point, and I am mistaken in my belief that I know what the Kingdom of God looks like. Would I even recognize Zion if I saw it? Will I have the desire in my heart to be there when I see who I'll have treat as my equals?

:::Day 23 -- The Drama of All Ages:::

"The course of our mortal life, from birth to death, conforms to eternal law and follows a plan described in the revelations as The Great Plan of Happiness. The one idea, the one truth I would inject into your minds is this: There are three parts to the plan. You are in the second or the middle part, the one in which you will be tested by temptation, by trials, perhaps by tragedy. Understand that, and you will be better able to make sense of life and to resist the disease of doubt and despair and depression...

The plan of redemption, with its three divisions, might be likened to a grand three-act play. Act I is entitled 'Premortal Life.' The scriptures describe it as our First Estate. Act II, from birth to the time of resurrection, the 'Second Estate.' And Act III, 'Life After Death or Eternal Life.'

In mortality, we are like one who enters a theater just as the curtain goes up on the second act. We have missed Act I. The production has many plots and sub-plots that interweave, making it difficult to figure out who relates to whom and what relates to what, who are the heroes and who are the villains. It is further complicated because you are not just a spectator; you are a member of the cast, on stage, in the middle of it all!

...Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of this great drama, you won’t make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much, some in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering, premature death even of innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We’ve seen a lot of that recently."

Do not suppose that God willfully causes that, which for His own purposes, He permits. When you know the plan and purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven."

-- President Boyd K. Packer, "The Play and the Plan"

:::Day 16 -- Her Motherhood Preceded Her Maternity:::

"Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children."

--Patricia Holland

I believe so much in this truth -- that motherhood is about a woman's nature, and not about the amount of children she has or even is she's married.

Motherhood is an eternal and divine role of all women. The essence and vibrancy of being a mother is in our nature, and it is part of our calling here on earth at every point in our progression. This idea calms me and reassures me, and it also fills me with power and strength because it tells me exactly who I am and always have been in the eternal round of the Lord's plan. I am on the same road as a woman with children. We are the same, we are both mothers. The absence or presence of children doesn't impact our claim to motherhood or our responsibility to this role.

To say now, and to know now that I am a mother fills my heart beyond capacity with joy.

:::fhe with shorty:::

on a certain monday night a few weeks ago, i'd been chatting with my friend christina (shorty), when i told her that i had to go upstairs. she asked why, and i explained that it was time for fhe. at first she thought i had said f-a-g, which was funny, really funny. she tentatively asked, 'fags?' not so much.

so, yes, i do fhe on my own...anyhow, she asked me what fhe was all about, so i explained the principle (time for families to have positive bonding experiences and receive gospel instruction) and the details (opening prayer, hymn, lesson, treat). and then she told me that she'd be upstairs in a half and hour, and asked me to send her the song so that she could practice.

oh...ok.

so that's how our monday night fhe tradition began. granted, with my traveling, her traveling, my illnesses, etc., we've only managed to pull off two fhe's, but i'm rededicated to the cause now.


so here's how it goes. we start with a prayer, then move on to the song...


that we sing together. it's awesome.

then we have a lesson...


this week we watched President Monson's address 'Be of Good Cheer.'

and then we have the treat...


oh boy, i'm about to do something really mean to you...

{this guy flipped over in transit}

take a look, friends. delicious cupcakes courtesy of red velvet cupcakes in chinatown. i hereby declare this to be cupcake summer, and by golly, we're going to make our way through each and every fine cupcakery in this city.

this week we enjoyed...

key lime -- key lime cake with white chocolate buttercream frosting

devil's food - chocolate buttermilk cake with bittersweet chocolate ganache

summertime -- lemon cake with coconut frosting

southern belle -- red velvet cake with whipped cream cheese frosting

we split them all in half and enjoyed every last crumb. and that is how we do fhe in these parts. if you're in the area, stop on by. my door is always open...

:::annus horribilis:::

{today is the one year anniversary of my mother's cancer diagnosis. i wrote this post to commemorate this day, and the journey we have taken as a family.}

queen elizabeth II called the year that brought scandals, failed relationships, and a fire that burned down much of windsor castle her annus horribilis -- a miserable year.

my annus horribilis can't be confined to 365 days on a calendar. in a sense, it began in the waning days of 2007 with my newborn niece molly.

it seemed that she was having trouble breathing, and was constantly going to the doctor, then being checked into hospitals. we didn't understand what was going on at first, but then reality gathered with swift momentum and suddenly a mere illness was speeding towards tragedy. the only thing, the most important thing, we could do was pray. so we prayed against the reality that was crushing down on such a little, tiny person, and hoped with real hope that our faith would beat the inevitable.

and it did. and we all breathed easier.

then my mother came home one day and found my father passed out on the floor in critical condition. after a hospital stay and careful medical attention, he survived this trauma that was brought on by a near fatal misdiagnosis of his medication.

he healed, we moved on.

and then april 22 came, the day my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. it's a date that i only know because my dad remembers it, and he reminded me of it in one of our many phone conversation during the chemo months. as my mom was laying curled up in a ball of tension and pain on the couch, my tough-as-nails-vietnam-vet-marine-corps dad broke down and cried because of the experience he'd had guiding his wife through the torture of chemo treatments and the searing pain and aggravating complications left behind by her surgery. "what a year," he choked out through tears. annus horribilis.

i have often thought of my parents during this time, not as individuals, but as a bound unit plodding along and struggling together from the startling diagnosis, the loss of hair, the wig issues, those dark days during the summer when this was all still very new and scary, the sadness, the fear, the moments of doubt, the feelings of deep discouragement, and the fatigue. the sleepless nights, financial concerns, unending pain, and the long road ahead. a problem that couldn't be solved. something they couldn't run away from. they were there, my sisters and i were all someplace else. we all felt stuck.

but as more time passed, the pain ebbed and the relief flowed. light started peeking in through cracks -- a small beam here (a shrinking tumor), another there (a less aggressive chemo cocktail), and another there (a move to radiation) -- and gathered into warming pools of light. more light came with more time, and finally our downtrodden souls were dazzled by brilliant illumination. these days i can call home and no one is crying anymore. we are well.

all of my life i have prayed that no tragedy would strike my family until i was married and had someone of my very own to lean on. when the pains of 2008 really started rolling in i recalled this long held hope and turned to the Lord. despite my deeply felt and well intentioned prayer of previous years, the only feeling i could muster at that point in my life was a shoulder shrug and a request for greater strength. what i initially wanted wasn't going to be the way things turned out, and i was ok with that. my new prayer was answered, and i am strong.

and we are strong.

annus mirabilis.

:::Easter 2009:::

Eater was great. the happiest holiday. a friend said, 'He lives!' amen.

made this cake. brought it to work. had two bites. people raved.

:::ecce homo:::

antonio ciseri

:::to this end:::

as we walked past an Anglican church today, my friend and i realized that today is Maundy Thursday, which means that this evening is the Last Supper, and tonight is Gethsemane.

my heart is full right now as i think of my Savior. i love Him. i revere Him. i will never be able to repay Him.

i have always been struck by the mortal life of Jesus Christ and the fact that it was, by every means, winding down to those final, horrific, 24 hours. every footstep He took, every lesson He taught, every kind word he spoke, every unselfish act in this existence, and before mortality began, led Him to tonight. as an unblemished lamb and the perfect Son of God, He offered Himself as a sacrifice for the sins of the world. He was betrayed, beaten, then savagely hung on a cross. and still, His heart was full of love.

"And behold, this is the whole meaning of the law, every whit pointing to that great and last sacrifice; and that great and last sacrifice will be the Son of God, yeah, infinite and eternal (Alma 34:14)."

i want you to know, that i know that this is not just a story, that this is not merely a myth. the Lord Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten of the Father, lived and died to ransom each one of our imperfect souls. with no thought of glory or personal gain, He willingly took up His cross and bore the full weight of justice in order to open the gates of mercy and let salvation flow in.

He lives. He is a part of every life. He is full of mercy and compassion. He is long-suffering. He loves you, He knows you by your own, personal name. He knows your heart, hears your prayers, and protects all the righteous desires of your heart. He is the Good Shepherd who never leaves His flock.

'None Were With Him,' by Elder Holland was by far my favorite address from conference. you can watch it from this page, or read the text here. i think it is especially appropriate tonight as we head into these final days of this sacred season.

I thank my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ, for the endless joy of a triumphant of Easter morning.

:::general conference -- sunday, april 2009:::

President Uchtdorf: the gospel is not a secret, complicated, or hidden. it is not theory or proposition. it springs from the Creator of the universe who knows truth we can't even begin to understand.

ours is not a secondhand religion. we need to get off the sidelines and practice what we preach.

(i'm finding President Uchtdorf to be very motivational in his messages).


Elder Andersen: he has never seen and personal positioning in the apostles, and they are void of desires for personal attention.

we must not shy away from teaching the unique things found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.


President Snow: we need to get on with our lives. change is an essential part of life's journey which we are often too reluctant in facing.


Sister Thompson: no matter what kind of family we are in, we can strengthen it. at some point in our life, we will each be poor in some way and need the help of others. in trials, our discouragement changes into joy and gratitude when others help us.


Elder Holland: (i've come to accept the fact that Elder Holland will have me bawling my eyes out every time he speaks). if we are feeling lonely, think of the loneliest journey ever taken -- the one the Savior made in the last wee His life. His friends and companions were slowly removed from Him, and then God, out of necessity, withdrew His spirit from Him, and He felt the ultimate loneliness. He totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone. however, the goodness in Him allowed Him to press on. the trust He lived by allowed Him to continue. His faith in God pushed Him forward.

because Jesus walked alone, we don't have to. don't abandon Him now, even when the cross is difficult to bear, even unto death.

(i feel like Elder Holland has such a keen understanding of and love for the lonely, the downtrodden, and the outcast. after this particular talk, i also felt how much more beloved the Lord was to Heavenly Father, and how proud of Him Heavenly Father must have been when the Savior completed the atonement. my mind went to the Sacred Grove when God and Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith, and Heavenly Father introduced Jesus as Hid beloved Son. i can only imagine how much more beloved the Savior was to Him at that point.)


President Monson: the moral footings of society continue to slip. those who try to protect those footings are picketted and mocked. we need to turn out thoughts from the troubles around us. the future is as bright as our faith.



Afternoon Session

Elder Oaks: their is no other motive to temple work besides love for those who have passed on. good mothers face a loss of personal priorities when they raise their children. having children is a service to the Lord. we are required to set aside personal convenience when we undertake this task.

no outside copying of our organization could duplicate the record of our church or the service of our people.

dress modestly!!!

love and service connect us to our covenants. quoting Mother Teresa, "we can do no great things, only small things with great joy."

go to church each week with the intent of being active.


Elder Bednar: serving in the temple expands our vision. temple preparation should be the center of all we do in the church. quoting Elder Maxwell, "when we are baptized, our gaze should go beyond the font to the temple." consider what is an acceptable offering of temple attendance.

(i feel like Elder Bednar is so good at laying out the scriptures and clearly telling us what they mean for our modern lives. i always feel a little guilty for not seeing things so clearly on my own.)


Elder Stevenson: you are never lost when you can see the temple. young children are encouraged to visit the temple grounds and even touch the temple. we can turn our homes into the House of the Lord. take a visual tour of your home. what do you see when you open the door? is there a picture of the Savior, pictures of the temple...


a personal space for gospel study. are the conversations at the dinner table uplifting and without contention. homes should be neat and orderly, a house of glory, a house of order. there is a righteous unity between the home and the temple. the temple draws us to home, and righteous homes draw us to the temple.


Elder Teixeira: Heavenly Father has a plan for us. our conscience is like our gps system. pay attention to our choices to make sure they don't put us out of touch with the guidance of the Lord.


Elder Watson: the wisdom of those who have gone before and that of those who are still with us will guide us.


Elder Perry: missionaries are an underused teaching resource. they spend too much time trying to find people. we should be doing that for them with great earnesty. declare Christ's atonement, in our own words tell the story of the First Vision, and testify of the Book of Mormon.


President Monson: we need to pray always lest we enter into temptation. pray that children will lead lives of service and goodness to others.

advances in many areas that could be used for good can also be used to speed us down an evil path.

we each need to be grateful for the blessings that come into our lives because of the gospel.

pray for the him and for the general authorities.
--------------------------------------------------


what i did:

before the morning session started i continued to organize my room. my friend christina came by a few minutes before it started to give me two palm fronds...


at breakfast she said she was going to Palm Sunday mass, and i begged her to bring me some back. thanks, christina! i especially loved having them to look at as Elder Uchtdorf spoke about Palm Sunday and the Savior's entry into Jerusalem.

i finally was finally able to go through my goodwill pile and found many things that i had tossed out in haste.





in between sessions i continued to organize my room, then i took a much needed nap. now it's 9 p.m., and even though i don't feel emotionally or physically feel like i did a lot of work today, it astonishes me to look around and see how drastically things have changed since i started on saturday morning. i feel that as soon as i admitted that i let march and february fall by the wayside, the Lord renewed my efforts and committment to work, and sped me along my way this weekend.

i can't believe conference is over. it went by so quickly to me, and i'm sad that tomorrow i have to go back out there to work and the frustrating situations i find myself in. but, i will try to take heart. we received so many wonderful and true teachings this weekend and i pledge to make permanent changes in my life.

:::general conference -- saturday afternoon, april 2009:::

either the move network or my internet connection seriously failed me this session. i spent about 10 panic stricken minutes opening new browsers, restarting my computer, and trying to pull up conference on my cell phone.

eventually, i had to switch to the audio feed, and since i missed President Uchtdorf's program notes at the beginning (but not before he forgot the church reporting :>), i have no idea who a couple of the speakers were.

what i loved --

Elder Ballard: it's hard to consider an instance where we couldn't learn from those who have gone before us. sodom and gomorrah is not a good place to raise a family. we don't need to live there to find that out.

Elder Cook: dicken's calling the british saints the "pick and flower of england." we don't criticize other religions.

mystery speaker #1: faith deserves our utmost efforts. don't be situational about commandments.

myster speaker #2: trials are our time to show loyalty to God. nothing can ever go permanently wrong if our life is centered on the gospel (quoting President Monson).

Elder Scott: he goes to the temple once a week! thank God for the trust He places in us when He allows us to overcome trials. when we live righteously, everything is in the hands of God. we have no reason to complain or despair because of the ordinances of the temple.

Elder Nelson: give and audible 'amen' at the end of prayers. the Lord's prayers show how keenly He feels for us. concerning prayer length, the Lord will accept that which is enough more happily than He will accept that which is too much. use special pronouns in reference to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ -- Thee, Thou, Thy, Thine (two speakers spoke about this today! fantastic!).
---------------------------------------

what i did --

in between sessions i picked up my mail and found that my nursery manual and my scripture mastery cards had come. yes!

{don't judge, please! when i know i'm staying in all day, i give my hair a break and only condition it instead of going through the entire styling routine. i also forgo makeup to give my skin some rest as well.}

i spent the first part of the session tearing my cards apart. next, i'm going to get them lamanated. i can't wait to use them!

i had planned on going through my goodwill pile (i was a little too overzealous), but then a major wave of fatigue hit me...


and i retired to my bed to take notes.

after the session was over i had a massive headache, so i took a two hour nap. when i woke up the headache was gone, but i had major sciatica-like pain below my right should blade. ooh, it hurts. i can't take full breathes or cough. help!

dinner was served during the last hour of the session, so i had to go out into the scary world to forge for myself. i had set my heart on getting something from this mexican to-go place on the hill, but they closed at 8 pm! what?! good thing christina had come with me, because she told me there was another mexican place a block away. i am not kidding you when i say that i almost started crying. i was looking forward to mexican food for saturday night all week long.

guess what? the place she took me to is an actual mexican place like they have on the west coast! tacky decor, oily chips and salsa, combo plates, the whole nine yards! i am in heaven.

{a self-portrait while we waited for my order, with me trying to grin through the pain.}

after we left the restaurant we walked together down 3rd, where we saw this little gem in someone's front yard.


i'm not exactly sure what's going on here (the little hair brush? the door knocker?), but it reminded of my high school latin teacher who claimed to have had her dead dog stuffed and set on the fireplace in her home. i need to write a post about her one time...

we parted at constitution because christina was going to a party (even though she offered to walk me all the way home!), and i continued up 3rd to go to the little market near the house. i don't know how i never noticed it before, but they sell jiffy blueberry muffin mix!


i abosuletely love jiffy muffins. yes, i know the blueberries are just dyed apple chunks, but i still love them. i don't like cakey muffins, so these really make me happy. the funny thing is that when i lived in virginia, the store i went to only sold the corn muffins. now i live in dc without a kitchen, but i have access to the blueberry muffin mix. go figure.


from there i hobbled home, ate my wonderful mexican food, and wrote this entry. i'm just waiting an approrpiate amount of digesting time before i can lay in bed and rest my back. see you tomorrow!