A long time ago I read this short story by Lorrie Moore called, "You're Ugly Too." The title comes from a punchline to a joke that goes something like this - A patient goes to see his doctor and is stunned when the doctor tells him he only has six weeks to live. The patient says he wants a second opinion, and the doctor says, 'Okay...you're ugly, too.'
It's been a 'You're ugly, too,' kind of time lately. 'Along with you regular failings, Rebekah, you're ugly too.'
Dear Miss Scott,
We relish the opportunity to inform you, not for the first time, that you have failed at everything you have tried to accomplish in your dim and undistinguished life. Below is a brief enumeration of your primary shortcomings.
One - You have no ability to attract the opposite sex, and you will never find love or companionship or even an amiable acquaintance with a human male. You are a fool to think or act otherwise, and you only embarrass yourself when you do so. People are laughing at you, Miss Scott. In the future you would be better served to keep these desires to yourself.
Two - You are woefully underemployed, and lack the mental acuity and perseverance to succeed in any field of employment. No one takes you seriously, and you will continue to be surpassed by your peers, all of whom have the intellect and stamina to thrive in professional environments.
Three - You do not fit in at church, and you never will. You have known this to be true for many years. Regular reminders of this fact will continue to be sent to you.
Four - We cannot offer you a more blunt statement than the readout on a scale could provide. That you gained weight in the first place, and that you have been unable to lose this weight over the course of a lifetime is an indication of the fundamental weakness in your character. You can never make up for the time and opportunities you have lost, but remediation of this problem would at least decrease the burden you presently are on the healthcare system, and the visual offense you present to those who find excessive weight to be unappealing.
Five - You're ugly, too.
Your acceptance of the above is assumed, and noted in the record.
The Committee on Life
Sometimes I hate the mortal mind. It can twist and darken and poison so subtly, but so fiercely. At the same time that you absolutely know negative feelings about your worth and capacities aren't true, they can still ring with such strong reverberation through you're brain. Anything that rings that deeply shouldn't be ignored, right? You wouldn't feel something so deeply if it was wrong, would you?
That's what I struggle to explain to people about depression - the dichotomy of pure truth and perceived truth that you can hold in tandem in your brain. Trying to separate the two and expel what is false wears you out and wears you thin, but at the same time it can just feel...normal? Like the standard way a life works?
But sometimes I think the best thing you can do is not try to solve anything, just say to yourself, 'Oh well,' and push pause on the great effort to Figure Things Out. To not get tangled up in the exhausting gymnastics involved in maneuvering the minefield of your thoughts and just...
To the Committee on Life,
Your most recent letter has been received.
I mean, who do they think they are, anyhow?
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
I'm currently watching my new cat, Hercule Poirot, try to hunt birds on a YouTube video made especially for cats. And he just somehow restarted it with his paws.
I keep thinking to myself, 'Rebekah, you shouldn't be so tickled by this.'
But, you know, we've each got to find our happy place, am I right?
Posted by Rebekah at 11:45 PM
Saturday, November 29, 2014
I really enjoyed my Thanksgiving this year. For many small reasons, it was one of the best I can remember.
I was invited to a dinner with two families in my ward and volunteered to make pie and rolls. For the pies I settled on maple pumpkin and coconut cream. When I went to the store on Wednesday night to get ingredients there was only one bag of all-purpose flour left on the shelf! I snatched it up even though it had a tiny hole I it.
The market was a zoo and I didn't want to waste time pulling out my recipes and checking exactly what I needed, so I over purchased whipping cream and half-and-half. I figure I'll just drink what was left over straight from the carton.
It was an exhausting amount of work to make the crusts and pies from scratch, but hey, I learned a lot, and it was what I wanted to do, so there's that.
When I finally got into bed I FaceTimed with my parents in California, as well as my sister and her family who are out there visiting for the holiday.
The next morning I went to brunch at the home of some other friends from my ward. One of the dishes they served was cinnamon roll French toast with mascarpone whipped cream, real Vermont maple syrup, and mixed berry sauce. A nice, light way to start the day.
After dinner that night with another group of ward friends, they took me shopping at Target and Kohl's. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be and it was fun to be out with them.
One of my favorite purchases were some of the $4-$6 DVDs at Target. I told my friend Courtney it was like all of my boyfriends were coming home with me.
Friday I went shopping at JC Penney's and actually found a lot of great work clothes. Who knew? I tried to take advantage of a gift card promotion, as well as sign up for a card for additional savings, but kind of bumbled the situation. Later, when I tried to rectify the situation I learned that you can't return purchases made with gift cards for cash at Penny's. Blurg. I ended up with $50 in gift card money and no idea what to do with it, so I went to the in-store salon and had my eyebrows done (I was going to spend money on that elsewhere anyhow) and got some product for my hair.
While at the mall I purchased some Wallflowers at Bed Bath and Beyond in different holiday scents. I usually don't care for scents, but I'm surrounded by smokers on many sides in my apartment.
I also broked one of my cardinal rules and bought a tiny fake Christmas tree at Hobby Lobby. I spent so much on sales I just couldn't fulfill my dreams of an 8ft. flocked beauty this year.
Later that afternoon I went to pick up my sewing scissors back from being sharpened. I don't sew, but, you know...I've got to cut ribbon and stuff.
This morning I worked my regular shift at the temple, then went to Penny's again (someone stop me) before going to my sister's house to take some packages off her doorstep. My friend Dayna texted me while I was out to see if I wanted to go see the new Hunger Games movie, so I went straight to her house. Afterwards we had dinner at Five Guys, then I went to Michael's for my absolute last sale/Christmas related purchases, Sprouts for groceries, then the ATM, and then finally, finally made it home for the first time since 5:30 this morning.
I did so much shopping that I feel a little guilty at this point, but I'm just going to enjoy the work clothes and the few decorative items I got. I just hate it when two days after payday you're already counting down until the next paycheck!
My favorite part of the holiday was spending time with friends. Usually I don't mind being alone at Thanksgiving, but this year I really enjoyed the company of others.
I hope you had a great holiday as well!
Thursday, October 2, 2014
"It got up and ran away. Seemed uninjured and old," she wished she had known before she spoke with two 911 operators and an animal control officer whom she also texted several photos to. Twice did she think she saw the dog stop breathing, and twice did she call her friend in a panic. Late was she to her church training meeting because she spent 15 minutes singing I Am a Child of God and Families Can Be Together Forever to a dog she was sure had been hit by a car and was about to go to Glory. Only once did she text the animal control officer the next day to learn the fate of said dog, but many times since has she felt like a fool.
Posted by Rebekah at 9:39 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Why don't we ever bring meals to single sisters? I say never, basing this off my own experiences. If you've ever been in a non-singles ward that has coordinated meals for single, not widowed, no children, working women, I'd love to hear about your experience.
I've walked through many stressful, frustrating, and fearful times in the workforce. Knowing that someone else would be bringing me dinner would have been amazing. I would have felt remembered and loved by the Relief Society sisters and the Lord, and encouraged by the outreach. Cooking can be a great stress relief, but it can also be the last thing you want to deal with while handling the stress and anxiety of life situations.
Sometimes we even coordinate cleaning for women with sick children, who are preparing for a move, or who just need an extra hand. I can testify to you that even one person in an apartment could use this type of assistance during times of trouble.
It's just something I've always wondered. As a whole I think we are uneven in our compassionate service. Myself included. Have I ever tried to coordinate meals for a single sister? Nope. And I'm one of them!
This post isn't meant to be a condemnation. I really have wondered about this, and wondered why even I myself am blind to the needs of single sisters.
Posted by Rebekah at 6:31 PM
Monday, September 1, 2014
Enter quip about laboring on Labor Day. Today I'm stuck inside working on my resume for a position that just opened at work. I hate resumes, but watch me spin this in a positive way - I'm grateful I have job experience, and a shot at a position that I'm interested in. I win.
Look at the outside. I want to go there. It's in the 80s now, but will be in the high 90s by the afternoon. Alas.
Also, I bought some bootleg black grapes from the Asian market. One, they are seeded. Two, they burn my lips if I eat more than seven of them. I'm going to give them to my Primary children next week. Ha, ha! J/K. But the thought does makes me LOL IRL.
Posted by Rebekah at 11:32 AM
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Yesterday we had a work activity at this place called Top Golf. It's what I think they call a golfing 'experience'. I love an experience! You know that about me!
Anyhow, the venue is a three-tiered building with open air platforms that you take shots off of. There are targets out on the green and microchips in the balls and blah, blah, blah, you get points for hitting targets. Our Director announced that whoever got the highest score out of the men and women would win an extra PTO day. Bless sexism! The highest male score to win was over 180. I took the female win at...60.
Here's a picture of me shooting up a mini donut with Bavarian cream. You know, I'm always disappointed with those mini donuts every time I have them. They never actually taste like donuts, do they? Just over-fried cinnamon sugar balls. I mean, I ate three, but whatever.
I'm trying to blog again. That explains this post.
Posted by Rebekah at 9:18 PM