:::What Can I Say?:::

I had a dream Monday night that blogging friend Jill called me to see what my deal was. In the dream I told her, 'Remember last year when we were sitting at Michelle's dining room table, and I had no idea what to say for myself, about myself, about my life, what I wanted, what I thought I needed? How I couldn't form coherent thoughts about the direction I was taking? How I just didn't know anything? I still feel that way. It's been a year now.'

1. My friend MBC posted a few weeks ago about the many disappointments of Pinterest. How true. I can tell you that the marshmallow-as-frosting trick does not work. Horrible, horrible lie.

I do have a trick that works, but I didn't see it on Pinterest. At a recent Relief Society activity on simplifying, they passed out homemade shower cleaner made from 4 ounces of white vinegar and 4 ounces of blue Dawn detergent. Not sure how crucial it is that it's BLUE Dawn...Anyhow, heat the vinegar in microwave until hot and pour it into a squirt bottle. Add Dawn, put the lid on and gently shake. Spray on tile/fixtures, scrub and rinse. Let soak on tough soap scum overnight then scrub and rinse.

2. I started a new job about a month ago. It's a contract position thing that will probably end in December-ish? Who knows. The work isn't super fancy, but can be interesting. The people are nice. The end.

3. I think about DC every day. I want to go back but don't want to go back at the same time. I still don't feel settled here, but I don't think I ever feel settled anywhere. My visiting teacher told me I have commitment issues. True.

4. My camera broke, so I don't have any recent pictures for you. All the old pictures I have of the past year are on my external hard drive.

5. I've been experimenting with no-knead bread lately. I had a batch ready to bake tonight, but decided to smash it down and roll it out into rectangles instead of making a loaf. This combination is both pleasing to the belly and the eye -- whole wheat flatbread dough topped with sauteed red onions and mushrooms, sliced honeycrisp apple, and blue cheese. A picture would work so well here.

6. It's still hot.

:::Lightning Storm:::

Tonight we enjoyed a severe thunderstorm that brought torrential rain, and then this lovely lightning storm. I've never seen anything like it before. No rain, no thunder, just lightning. Beautiful.

:::Spill You Beans and Find Relief:::

Well, today is a new day and I feel so much better after writing that post. Amazing, isn't it?

Something is going to work out.

Dude, I have to go to work tomorrow. I guess that's my life again, eh?

:::How Will This Work?:::

My blogging friend Lelly does this thing where she writes for a set amount of time and just let's everything flow out onto the screen.

Here's my attempt...


Today I am...scared.

I don't make enough money at the job I started this week to support myself.

Since it's a full-time job, it's going to be hard to get away to interview for better jobs.

Are there better jobs?

I am doubting my plan to move here. What was I thinking? Why did I think this would work? I had an apartment in DC, and I could have probably landed a higher-paying job. Why did I leave?

Rent here is almost the same as what I was paying in DC (I lived in the hood, remember?), except in DC it included all of my utilities, and I wasn't paying for car insurance.

So, my cost of living is actually going up, not down.

But my salary has gone decreased drastically.

I did these calculations before I left, but I still felt like I should go ahead with the plan.

But how is this going to work?

I need a part-time job at night to make extra money, but that can't happen right now for logistical reasons.  

Breathe.

And can I handle a part-time job at night?

What was I thinking when I moved here?!

How do you balance faith with the realities of life? Rent, insurance, bills (so many bills), etc...I believe in faith, but I also believe in...reality? That's not the right word, but you know what I'm trying to say.

I tried this year to make better decisions for myself, but I'm starting to feel like I've made another stupid, stupid Rebekah-style life decision. I've made so, so many stupid mistakes in the past that I'm still paying for (literally+figuratively). Have I made another series of mistakes that will hold me back for years to come?

I'm always landing myself in the remedial class. People my age are buying houses and supporting families, and not all of them are engineers, mba's, or lawyers. What the heck is wrong with me? I can't even afford to pay rent! Why am I so stupid with life?

End.

:::Lucky to Find Work So Quickly:::

I'm just going to go ahead and document this now instead of worrying about writing a big, grand post about it later. I'm channeling the words of motivation from blogging friend Jill, whom I actually met in the real lifes when I was in Utah (post forthcoming). I just need to blog sometimes.

Today I started a temp-to-perm type job with a technology-ish company in Plano. I interviewed on Friday, and the offer came through on Monday. As part of the selection process I had to take all of these assessment tests over the weekend. They questioned my numerical skills, as well as my knowledge of OPEC and John Milton. What that was about, I don't know. I do know that I got most of the questions right, however, because general, useless knowledge is what I specialize in.

The commute isn't too bad. Right now I'm carpooling with Big Don in the morning, and driving home by myself. My sister picks him up at the train station later at night. The pay is ok, $5 less an hour than what I was making in DC, so that's a bit of a problem. I'm just doing admin stuff in the sales department, which is a completely different vibe than the law office scene. It's good and different, but a little disorientating.

The people are really nice, and I know I can do the job. It's not going to be mentally stimulating or feed any creative energies, but it's work, and it's work that I know I can do, so that's something to be happy about.

Technically, I'm on a 60 (or is it 90?) day probation until they decide if they want to hire me full-time.

If someone asked me what my plans were for Texas, I would shrug my shoulders and say, 'Don't know.' I know that in a weird way, that's The Plan for right now -- 'Don't know.' We'll see what comes of it.

:::It's a Good Life:::

{Bruno and Dot sleeping}

 

It's a good life, if you can get it.



:::Dammit! I Want To Move To Texas!!!:::

I want to move to Texas, but I have no idea how I'm going to make it work.

I would have to:

1. Buy a car (which I really don't want to do)
2. Scrounge together a down payment for a car (Grrr...)
3. Start paying for car insurance (*#%@$!!!)
4. Get rid of half of my crap (I'm actually looking forward to this)
5. Drive to Texas (fun)
6. Pay for motels, gas and food between here and Texas (Not fun! &@*$#!!!)
7. Save enough money to cover bills until I get some kind of job


If I stay, I need to:

1. Find a place to live for the end of August (In an area where I won't get shot/harassed/assaulted)
2. If I get my own place, I kind of need a new job so that I won't be so strapped every month
3. So, I need to get a new job (Yeah, that's not stressful)
4. Pay tons of money for a security deposit
5. Pay tons of money for first month's rent, and every month thereafter
6. Somehow pay to buy bare bones furnishings for an empty apartment
7. Put off my goals for another 2-3 years...

Or, hey, I could just move into a run-of-the-mill shared apartment with other Mormon girls (and want to die every day).


The difficulty is that each option is going to cost inordinate amounts of money.

Honestly, I just don't want to stay. I certainly won't be sad if I have to. I like DC, I have friends here, I love my ward (hopefully I can stay in my ward), and there are a lot of opportunities here. But I still want to move to Texas at some point.

However, if I had to stay, saving more money for a move at a later date wouldn't really be a possibility because I'll be on such a tight budget until I make a big career step to a higher salary level (P.S. -- That's not going to happen anytime soon).



I've been fasting and praying since December, I've been researching like a fiend, I've looked at apartments here, I've talked with my Bishop, I've received blessings, I've asked everyone I know for advice, sigh...I'm at a loss. Never in my life have I not had some idea of what my next step in life would be. This time, I've got absolutely nothing. Niente.

???


??


???


?


????













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:::Up In the Air, Flat On the Ice:::

Thanks to everyone for the nice comments on my last post!


Yesterday I arrived in Texas at 8:30 am. That means that my flight from DC left at 6:00 am, which means that I had to be at the airport at 5:00 am, which means that my cab had to come at 4:40 am. Mark my words -- I will never take a 6:00 am flight again. Amen.

The movie shown during the flight was 'Up In the Air.' It. was. fantastic. I might even call it the best movie that I've ever seen. The acting from the entire cast was superb. The writing was wonderful, realistic, and well-paced, and the directing was just perfect. It changed my life, which I was not expecting, and you might not expect based on the plot of the movie. I still can't figure out exactly why the film impacted me so much, but it did and I'm so glad I could see an edited version of it. I only wish it wasn't rated R in real life.


Last night we went to Scott's first 'hockey' lesson. Really, it's just a hockey skating class since they have to pass three prerequisite classes before they even attempt playing hockey. Watching his beginner class skate was one of the funniest things that I have ever witnessed. The kids were dropping like lead zeppelins all over the place.

Scott was struggling a bit because he's never been on the ice before, so he got to use a special PVC walker to help him along the way.

That only upped the comedic factor a million fold. You should have seen him shuffling along the ice with his little helmet on. My stomach muscles were sore from laughing so much.

He was having a great time with it and thought it was hilarious every time he crashed and burned.

All of the coaching staff is from Australia (are they related?), and are so nice. The head hockey coach called the boys 'men' each time he addressed the group. 'Come on, men! Get up!' 'Come on, men! We can do it!'

Towards the end of the lesson the assistant coach took The Little Master's walker away and tried to make him skate on his own. I think he picked up on the fact that the Master was developing a strong affinity for his cool toy and wasn't seeing it as a temporary learning tool.

More comedy ensued. This is Buddy 'skating' towards the wall on his own.

While we were watching Scott's class there were a few ice skating classes running on the other side of the rink. Sophie said she wanted to learn how to ice skate one day, so my sister took her over to the information desk to learn more about future classes.

The next time I saw them Sophie was lacing up to join a class that was also meeting for the first time that week. She was over the moon that her dream had been fulfilled so quickly.

She had her fair share of falls as well, but Sophie is one of those kids who pulls on your heart strings all of the time, so her spills were more Tiny Tim sad and less Lucille Ball funny.

Molly was surprisingly well-behaved the entire time. Thank heavens.

When she wasn't running around the bleachers she was petitioning to be held so she could see her siblings.

Gold star for sticking out an hour of practice, Momma.

:::So Here's the Deal With November:::

Stick with me, you're patience in this will be rewarded...

I've been thinking about getting an MLS for years

Since I was at BYU

...
...
...

Years pass

...
...
...

I get my current job working in a law library

After my first year, I start making plans to apply to grad school

I join professional organizations and attend conferences and meetings

I sign up for the mentoring program

I go to socials (painful)

I chime in on conversations on my library listserv

I'm really liking this librarian thing!

I pick an MLS program

I start my online application

I ask two people at work to write my letters of recommendation

One of them submits her letter

...
...
...

I can't bring myself to write my application essays

I realize that while I find library work/information systems fascinating, it's not a field that I want to build a career in

I realize that I do not want to work in an office anymore

Or sit in front of a computer my entire life

But I do like environments centered on information and knowledge

I like learning environments

And interacting with people in learning environments

Especially children in learning environments

And not working at a computer

I think back to all of those education classes that I took at UVS- er, UVU after BYU.

Hmm...

I realize, for the millionth time, that secondary ed wasn't right for me

the clouds part

...elementary ed?

I start looking at certification options

I find a grad program

Through USC

Yeah, USC

That I can do here in DC

So I can keep my job ($$)

And stay in my ward

And not move to LA (boo)

So I pray, 'Is this right?'

And the answer comes, 'Apply!'

So I start my application

I am excited!!!

I research the program

I talk to admissions counselors

The early application deadline is in, like, four weeks

Yikes, but I'm so excited!!!

I begin my application

I ask two people to write recommendation letters

I hustle, hustle, hustle

I write my essays

I take days off of work to finish all of my essays

I recruit all of my family to pray for me

I put the lean on the generous souls who are writing my recommendations

One of these souls turns her letter in on time

I turn in my application on time

I put the lean even harder on my third recommender

And more leaning

And more leaning

And more leaning

Are you stinking kidding me?! This is important!

Mooooore leeeeeaniiiiiiing...

I call my admissions counselor

She tells me to recruit a third person to write a recommendation for me

{{{sonofapanicattackanxioutystress}}}

I scramble and find another generous soul to write me a recommendation

That night

Because they want it the next day

As in less than a 24 hour turn around

I talk to my mom, she talks to her friend, I talk to her friend

And back and forth and back and forth

She submits her letter

May her name be forever blessed

My application is finally complete

It's nearly the end of November

I wait to hear back

...
...
...

And wait

...
...
...

I hear something back

I didn't take any math courses in college

You need some math courses in your background to qualify for a multiple subject credential

Have I taken any math classes that just aren't listed?

Any?

What about high school?

Yes, I took math in high school

But doesn't 2 1/2 years of Italian count?

The Lord's university thinks so

USC does not think so

Sigh...

I wait...

And wait...

...
...
...

WWWW

aaaa

iii

ttt

...

And as I wait I realize that I really, really don't want to live in DC anymore

Or the East Coast

Man, I want to get out of here

Man, I don't want to pay USC tuition (40k!)

Man, I don't want to start an intensive Master's program if I'm going to be moving soon

...
...
...

I don't think I want to do this USC thing after all

It's soo much money

...
...
...

I hear from the program

I got in

I got into USC

I can be a Trojan

Wow

My counselor calls me to clarify

My admission is conditional because of the math thing

If I keep my grades above a B during the first semester, I'm in for reals

??

Hmm...

My mom taught for 20+ years without a credential

She was the best teacher -- according to students, teachers, administrators, and parents -- that the school ever saw

I just want to teach

I don't need a fancy degree

There's got to be an easier way

An easier way that isn't going to cost me $40k upfront

And $35k in interest

$40k in tuition...

$37k in interest...

To teach

Kindergarten

...

I can't do this

I get my acceptance letter in the mail

I admire it

I pray

I say, 'Hey, what's up? I thought this was a green light.'

...
...
...

I know I can't do this

I tell USC, USC, 'thanks, but no thanks'

That's November

Then comes December

In the beginning of the month I pass my two year mark in DC

I think to myself, 'What am I doing with my life?'

I...

become...

very...

depressed...

Why did I have to go through all the work of applying for that program if I wasn't supposed to enroll in that program?

Why did I have to bother all of those people to write recommendation letters for me if I wasn't going to enroll in that program?

Why did I have to go through all. of. that. stress.?

And now, the embarrassment of telling everyone who knew I was applying that I changed my mind

Why?

{{{;(}}}

...
...
...

Depressed

...
...
...

I decide to move

I'm done living here

I'm done with this job

And I'm done with trying to become a teacher

...
...
...

December ends

It's 2010

My friend LP leaves the firm to finish her Master's

She helped me get my job

She was my sister's roommate for years

She was my friend

It's weird now that she's gone

I just want to leave

My job, this place

To leave, to leave, to leave

I want to leave

I just want to move to Texas

Right now

I know it's the right thing to do

...
...
...

My wounded pride about the teaching thing heals

I start looking at alternative teaching programs in Texas

I find a lot of good options

I apply to one

I send my transcripts

We'll see if they have anything to say about the math issue

If they do, I'll take a math class

No biggie

It'll be ok

...

I start planning my move

I start feeling really lonely and really sad because I want to be there instead of here

I just want to move to Texas

And be there with my family

And also Bruno

And the wide aisles of Wal-mart

And Super Target

And Taco Bells every mile or so

And decent Mexican food

And open space

And nukular families
...
...
...

So now I'm just waiting for the right time to leave

And to save enough money for a car

And gas money to get there

And to cover my bills until I can find some kind of job

Elizaben is moving in July

I will be gone before then

Hopefully long before then...

But at the right time...

My Patience in This Will Be Rewarded...

:::Bounce House:::

On Friday night we all went to a bounce house that was nothing more than a warehouse with a few giant inflatables inside. It may not seem like a place with much fun potential for adults, but man, we all had such a good time.

We were the only ones in the whole place, so we adults could do whatever we wanted without worrying about public shame. Plus, we didn't have to worry about the kids interacting with other hopped up and insane children. It was like living out that dream of running around a mall after closing time with your friends.



The huge slide was by far the most popular attraction. All of us went down it many, many times.

The kids were really excited that we were playing with them. I had to keep reminding them not to follow me too closely up the stairs just in case I lost my footing and took them all down with me.

On one run I decided to take my camera up with me and video my view as I went down the slide.



I lost my stomach every single time I went down.

Molly proved to be as fearless as ever. With no help or encouragement whatsoever she ran to the slide and climbed easily up the stairs.

Watching her go down the slide was hilarious. Sometimes she'd stand up there and waive, but most of the time she got right down to business and threw herself down the slide.

My mom is going to get so anxious looking at these pictures, so I'll include some more.


She flew down that slide, usually flipping onto her tummy somewhere near the middle. So little, so fast. She's not even two years old yet.


Regardless of the fun we had, I wasn't feeling so hot after we left. Maybe it was all the running, screaming, climbing, sliding and bouncing I did. Maybe it was the ten minutes I spent trying to heave myself out of the inflatable obstacle course while trying to keep my shorts from falling off.

Maybe. Who knows.

On our way out the solitary bounce house worker told us that there was a tornado warning, so we made our way home via Pei Wei and the riveting entertainment of Air Buddies.

I was hoping we'd see some action, but nary a twister touched down. I guess that's for the better since the children are afraid of storms and Sarah and Don's fence and rain gutters have been ripped off their house more than once.


Isn't this picture gorgeous? Those clouds are beautiful.