:::What Can I Say?:::

I had a dream Monday night that blogging friend Jill called me to see what my deal was. In the dream I told her, 'Remember last year when we were sitting at Michelle's dining room table, and I had no idea what to say for myself, about myself, about my life, what I wanted, what I thought I needed? How I couldn't form coherent thoughts about the direction I was taking? How I just didn't know anything? I still feel that way. It's been a year now.'

1. My friend MBC posted a few weeks ago about the many disappointments of Pinterest. How true. I can tell you that the marshmallow-as-frosting trick does not work. Horrible, horrible lie.

I do have a trick that works, but I didn't see it on Pinterest. At a recent Relief Society activity on simplifying, they passed out homemade shower cleaner made from 4 ounces of white vinegar and 4 ounces of blue Dawn detergent. Not sure how crucial it is that it's BLUE Dawn...Anyhow, heat the vinegar in microwave until hot and pour it into a squirt bottle. Add Dawn, put the lid on and gently shake. Spray on tile/fixtures, scrub and rinse. Let soak on tough soap scum overnight then scrub and rinse.

2. I started a new job about a month ago. It's a contract position thing that will probably end in December-ish? Who knows. The work isn't super fancy, but can be interesting. The people are nice. The end.

3. I think about DC every day. I want to go back but don't want to go back at the same time. I still don't feel settled here, but I don't think I ever feel settled anywhere. My visiting teacher told me I have commitment issues. True.

4. My camera broke, so I don't have any recent pictures for you. All the old pictures I have of the past year are on my external hard drive.

5. I've been experimenting with no-knead bread lately. I had a batch ready to bake tonight, but decided to smash it down and roll it out into rectangles instead of making a loaf. This combination is both pleasing to the belly and the eye -- whole wheat flatbread dough topped with sauteed red onions and mushrooms, sliced honeycrisp apple, and blue cheese. A picture would work so well here.

6. It's still hot.

:::A Great Thing:::

Sometimes vendors will come to the firm to do training sessions or introduce product launches. If it's a product launch, they bring stuff for us -- pens, mousepads, water bottles, flash drives, etc. They want us to sign up for their new service, so they try and butter us up.

Westlaw came today with ice cream and a raffle. One of our partners won a laptop case.

I didn't want the laptop case.

Here is my story.

At the beginning of the meeting I carefully wrote my name on an entry slip, rolled it up as neatly as I could, and dropped it in the jar. I said a silent prayer and pleaded to Heavenly Father for a badly needed tender mercy, a break in the gray.

Suddenly, I knew what I needed to do on my end. I had to make a promise. I had to promise to do something, and I knew what that something was. It was already in my mind, as clear as day, so I said it, I made that promise. Then I whispered amen, and tried to focus my positive energy. It's the same set of steps each time I know Someone is about to step in and bend the course of fortune for me.

But I was still nervous. I could feel the delicate threads of fate dancing in the air, brushing against my face like teasing whispers. One prayer, two prayers, three. Please let this go my way. I need something like this. You know how it's been lately. Please.

My hands were fidgeting, which led my nervous fingers to land on one of our account rep's business cards. In that very instant, I knew what I had to do to seal the deal. With the tips of my fingers on the front of the business card, I swept it towards me, turned it over, grabbed one of the free pens spread out on the table, and wrote my promise on the back.

Then I tucked it under my camisole, right above my heart.

Then I prayed again, and waited.

I won.

:::So Here's the Deal With November:::

Stick with me, you're patience in this will be rewarded...

I've been thinking about getting an MLS for years

Since I was at BYU

...
...
...

Years pass

...
...
...

I get my current job working in a law library

After my first year, I start making plans to apply to grad school

I join professional organizations and attend conferences and meetings

I sign up for the mentoring program

I go to socials (painful)

I chime in on conversations on my library listserv

I'm really liking this librarian thing!

I pick an MLS program

I start my online application

I ask two people at work to write my letters of recommendation

One of them submits her letter

...
...
...

I can't bring myself to write my application essays

I realize that while I find library work/information systems fascinating, it's not a field that I want to build a career in

I realize that I do not want to work in an office anymore

Or sit in front of a computer my entire life

But I do like environments centered on information and knowledge

I like learning environments

And interacting with people in learning environments

Especially children in learning environments

And not working at a computer

I think back to all of those education classes that I took at UVS- er, UVU after BYU.

Hmm...

I realize, for the millionth time, that secondary ed wasn't right for me

the clouds part

...elementary ed?

I start looking at certification options

I find a grad program

Through USC

Yeah, USC

That I can do here in DC

So I can keep my job ($$)

And stay in my ward

And not move to LA (boo)

So I pray, 'Is this right?'

And the answer comes, 'Apply!'

So I start my application

I am excited!!!

I research the program

I talk to admissions counselors

The early application deadline is in, like, four weeks

Yikes, but I'm so excited!!!

I begin my application

I ask two people to write recommendation letters

I hustle, hustle, hustle

I write my essays

I take days off of work to finish all of my essays

I recruit all of my family to pray for me

I put the lean on the generous souls who are writing my recommendations

One of these souls turns her letter in on time

I turn in my application on time

I put the lean even harder on my third recommender

And more leaning

And more leaning

And more leaning

Are you stinking kidding me?! This is important!

Mooooore leeeeeaniiiiiiing...

I call my admissions counselor

She tells me to recruit a third person to write a recommendation for me

{{{sonofapanicattackanxioutystress}}}

I scramble and find another generous soul to write me a recommendation

That night

Because they want it the next day

As in less than a 24 hour turn around

I talk to my mom, she talks to her friend, I talk to her friend

And back and forth and back and forth

She submits her letter

May her name be forever blessed

My application is finally complete

It's nearly the end of November

I wait to hear back

...
...
...

And wait

...
...
...

I hear something back

I didn't take any math courses in college

You need some math courses in your background to qualify for a multiple subject credential

Have I taken any math classes that just aren't listed?

Any?

What about high school?

Yes, I took math in high school

But doesn't 2 1/2 years of Italian count?

The Lord's university thinks so

USC does not think so

Sigh...

I wait...

And wait...

...
...
...

WWWW

aaaa

iii

ttt

...

And as I wait I realize that I really, really don't want to live in DC anymore

Or the East Coast

Man, I want to get out of here

Man, I don't want to pay USC tuition (40k!)

Man, I don't want to start an intensive Master's program if I'm going to be moving soon

...
...
...

I don't think I want to do this USC thing after all

It's soo much money

...
...
...

I hear from the program

I got in

I got into USC

I can be a Trojan

Wow

My counselor calls me to clarify

My admission is conditional because of the math thing

If I keep my grades above a B during the first semester, I'm in for reals

??

Hmm...

My mom taught for 20+ years without a credential

She was the best teacher -- according to students, teachers, administrators, and parents -- that the school ever saw

I just want to teach

I don't need a fancy degree

There's got to be an easier way

An easier way that isn't going to cost me $40k upfront

And $35k in interest

$40k in tuition...

$37k in interest...

To teach

Kindergarten

...

I can't do this

I get my acceptance letter in the mail

I admire it

I pray

I say, 'Hey, what's up? I thought this was a green light.'

...
...
...

I know I can't do this

I tell USC, USC, 'thanks, but no thanks'

That's November

Then comes December

In the beginning of the month I pass my two year mark in DC

I think to myself, 'What am I doing with my life?'

I...

become...

very...

depressed...

Why did I have to go through all the work of applying for that program if I wasn't supposed to enroll in that program?

Why did I have to bother all of those people to write recommendation letters for me if I wasn't going to enroll in that program?

Why did I have to go through all. of. that. stress.?

And now, the embarrassment of telling everyone who knew I was applying that I changed my mind

Why?

{{{;(}}}

...
...
...

Depressed

...
...
...

I decide to move

I'm done living here

I'm done with this job

And I'm done with trying to become a teacher

...
...
...

December ends

It's 2010

My friend LP leaves the firm to finish her Master's

She helped me get my job

She was my sister's roommate for years

She was my friend

It's weird now that she's gone

I just want to leave

My job, this place

To leave, to leave, to leave

I want to leave

I just want to move to Texas

Right now

I know it's the right thing to do

...
...
...

My wounded pride about the teaching thing heals

I start looking at alternative teaching programs in Texas

I find a lot of good options

I apply to one

I send my transcripts

We'll see if they have anything to say about the math issue

If they do, I'll take a math class

No biggie

It'll be ok

...

I start planning my move

I start feeling really lonely and really sad because I want to be there instead of here

I just want to move to Texas

And be there with my family

And also Bruno

And the wide aisles of Wal-mart

And Super Target

And Taco Bells every mile or so

And decent Mexican food

And open space

And nukular families
...
...
...

So now I'm just waiting for the right time to leave

And to save enough money for a car

And gas money to get there

And to cover my bills until I can find some kind of job

Elizaben is moving in July

I will be gone before then

Hopefully long before then...

But at the right time...

My Patience in This Will Be Rewarded...

:::Idiot Revision:::

Here's what I'm thinking of today.

I had my wires crossed during conference weekend (aside, what is the capitalization rule for General conference? I see on the church homepage that they write 'General conference', while I've always thought it was 'General Conference.' I guess the website is right, but I just don't know...). 'Stop being an idiot' was about something completely different, about an unrelated stumbling block that I've been trying to get passed for a long time. I've got the answer now and that stumbling block is dust -- ta da! Burden unburdened. I've stopped being an idiot.

Now I see all the layers and beautiful depths in the General conference (Conference) messages. I will devour my Ensign when it comes, for sure.

Here's something else that I'm thinking about -- I do not like Sunday dinner, your roasts, your rolls, your green beans, your mashed potatoes. In my house I will marvel at the goodness of the Lord over spicy yellow curry and sticky Calrose rice. Amen.