Saturday, September 17, 2011

:::How Will This Work?:::

My blogging friend Lelly does this thing where she writes for a set amount of time and just let's everything flow out onto the screen.

Here's my attempt...


Today I am...scared.

I don't make enough money at the job I started this week to support myself.

Since it's a full-time job, it's going to be hard to get away to interview for better jobs.

Are there better jobs?

I am doubting my plan to move here. What was I thinking? Why did I think this would work? I had an apartment in DC, and I could have probably landed a higher-paying job. Why did I leave?

Rent here is almost the same as what I was paying in DC (I lived in the hood, remember?), except in DC it included all of my utilities, and I wasn't paying for car insurance.

So, my cost of living is actually going up, not down.

But my salary has gone decreased drastically.

I did these calculations before I left, but I still felt like I should go ahead with the plan.

But how is this going to work?

I need a part-time job at night to make extra money, but that can't happen right now for logistical reasons.  

Breathe.

And can I handle a part-time job at night?

What was I thinking when I moved here?!

How do you balance faith with the realities of life? Rent, insurance, bills (so many bills), etc...I believe in faith, but I also believe in...reality? That's not the right word, but you know what I'm trying to say.

I tried this year to make better decisions for myself, but I'm starting to feel like I've made another stupid, stupid Rebekah-style life decision. I've made so, so many stupid mistakes in the past that I'm still paying for (literally+figuratively). Have I made another series of mistakes that will hold me back for years to come?

I'm always landing myself in the remedial class. People my age are buying houses and supporting families, and not all of them are engineers, mba's, or lawyers. What the heck is wrong with me? I can't even afford to pay rent! Why am I so stupid with life?

End.

5 comments:

scrambled brains said...

Shoot, Rebekah! I am so sorry you are feeling lost and unsure right now. All I can say is that it will all work out; it always does. Pray hard, trust the Lord, and move forward until you are shown that it isn't right. We can never see or predict what may happen, even when things may look dismal, the Lord is watching out for us. Call me if you need to talk!

Love you.
Dizzle

Jill said...

"How do you balance faith with the realities of life?" This is a great question! But the thing with faith is that it's taking that leap or that step into the stormy sea with the belief that the Lord will help you the rest of the way...and HE will! Don't second guess your decisions! You felt good about it, so it was the right thing to do! Everything will work out for your good eventually. I hate this squirmy, uncomfortable, emotionally-draining time before eventually arrives, but this is the time we grow. It's never a good idea to compare ourselves to what other people are doing (houses, kids, careers) because it's just another way to beat ourselves up. You need to be your own best friend and advocate, and then rely heavily on the Lord. He wants the best for you and wouldn't lead you to Texas if it wasn't where you're supposed to be, you should take all kinds of comfort in that!!!

Send me your new address please, stuart_jill@hotmail.com

lelly said...

i am glad to see you stopped to breathe in the middle there. that's an important part of getting settled in your new "reality."

big hugs. after our conversation on the Mall, i have no doubt that you are wandering down the right path. do not worry if you did, or did not make the right decision. you are where you are meant to be right now.

i believe in you.

michelle said...

I always think I am filled with faith until I find myself in the midst of adversity. Then I am kicking myself for being one of the fair-weather faithful.

I love this post and I love the comments. I believe in you, too.

Rachel said...

I know it doesn't always help to hear someone say, "I have felt like this," but I have. I guess we are technically supporting a family, but at this point can't see us doing things like buying homes or cars. New jobs, new places--all tricky. I do think you have lots of faith, though. Clearly you do! That faith will bring blessings...it's the waiting that gets to be tricky. I think your exercise of just writing everything out is fantastic. You're a superstar! :)