:::What Can I Say?:::

I had a dream Monday night that blogging friend Jill called me to see what my deal was. In the dream I told her, 'Remember last year when we were sitting at Michelle's dining room table, and I had no idea what to say for myself, about myself, about my life, what I wanted, what I thought I needed? How I couldn't form coherent thoughts about the direction I was taking? How I just didn't know anything? I still feel that way. It's been a year now.'

1. My friend MBC posted a few weeks ago about the many disappointments of Pinterest. How true. I can tell you that the marshmallow-as-frosting trick does not work. Horrible, horrible lie.

I do have a trick that works, but I didn't see it on Pinterest. At a recent Relief Society activity on simplifying, they passed out homemade shower cleaner made from 4 ounces of white vinegar and 4 ounces of blue Dawn detergent. Not sure how crucial it is that it's BLUE Dawn...Anyhow, heat the vinegar in microwave until hot and pour it into a squirt bottle. Add Dawn, put the lid on and gently shake. Spray on tile/fixtures, scrub and rinse. Let soak on tough soap scum overnight then scrub and rinse.

2. I started a new job about a month ago. It's a contract position thing that will probably end in December-ish? Who knows. The work isn't super fancy, but can be interesting. The people are nice. The end.

3. I think about DC every day. I want to go back but don't want to go back at the same time. I still don't feel settled here, but I don't think I ever feel settled anywhere. My visiting teacher told me I have commitment issues. True.

4. My camera broke, so I don't have any recent pictures for you. All the old pictures I have of the past year are on my external hard drive.

5. I've been experimenting with no-knead bread lately. I had a batch ready to bake tonight, but decided to smash it down and roll it out into rectangles instead of making a loaf. This combination is both pleasing to the belly and the eye -- whole wheat flatbread dough topped with sauteed red onions and mushrooms, sliced honeycrisp apple, and blue cheese. A picture would work so well here.

6. It's still hot.

:::How Will This Work?:::

My blogging friend Lelly does this thing where she writes for a set amount of time and just let's everything flow out onto the screen.

Here's my attempt...


Today I am...scared.

I don't make enough money at the job I started this week to support myself.

Since it's a full-time job, it's going to be hard to get away to interview for better jobs.

Are there better jobs?

I am doubting my plan to move here. What was I thinking? Why did I think this would work? I had an apartment in DC, and I could have probably landed a higher-paying job. Why did I leave?

Rent here is almost the same as what I was paying in DC (I lived in the hood, remember?), except in DC it included all of my utilities, and I wasn't paying for car insurance.

So, my cost of living is actually going up, not down.

But my salary has gone decreased drastically.

I did these calculations before I left, but I still felt like I should go ahead with the plan.

But how is this going to work?

I need a part-time job at night to make extra money, but that can't happen right now for logistical reasons.  

Breathe.

And can I handle a part-time job at night?

What was I thinking when I moved here?!

How do you balance faith with the realities of life? Rent, insurance, bills (so many bills), etc...I believe in faith, but I also believe in...reality? That's not the right word, but you know what I'm trying to say.

I tried this year to make better decisions for myself, but I'm starting to feel like I've made another stupid, stupid Rebekah-style life decision. I've made so, so many stupid mistakes in the past that I'm still paying for (literally+figuratively). Have I made another series of mistakes that will hold me back for years to come?

I'm always landing myself in the remedial class. People my age are buying houses and supporting families, and not all of them are engineers, mba's, or lawyers. What the heck is wrong with me? I can't even afford to pay rent! Why am I so stupid with life?

End.