Wednesday, February 16, 2011

:::I Wish I Knew:::

When do you know you've failed at life?

When you're flying down a Texas highway with your head out of the window, vomiting, gagging, mumbling, 'I'm a winner, I'm a winner, I'm a winner...' over and over again, trying to psych yourself up for a flight that you've canceled, rescheduled, canceled and rescheduled again?

That was last year.

Spending all night in the bathroom vomiting so loudly that it wakes up your nephew?

That was the year before.

Seems like I always have a breakdown when I go to Texas.

When you're wandering around your apartment in the early morning hours with barely enough strength to stay upright, but a churning stomach that keeps you from lying down?

When you go into the red with sick time and look ahead and worry what you're going to do when you get sick again?

That was this morning.

And a couple months ago, and a couple months before that, and on and on.

When none of the steps you take to improve your situation pan out? When you make hard decisions but nothing happens?

I fail at life. I'm tired of going through the difficulties of life, of depression, alone. The never ending beating that happens. I wish I had a life coach that I could take out of my hall closet when I needed help, encouragement, a sanity check. I really don't feel equipped to continue any further. These past two years have been such a strain. Maybe I'm not who I think I am, maybe my goals have all been wrong. Maybe I have no idea what's going on around me. I know I don't understand, and I've prayed for understanding, but my ears must be filled with cotton.

I am at a loss, a complete and total loss. I can't make heads or tails of life, of my life. I've tried so very hard over these years to do the right thing at every juncture.


michelle said...

Oh dear, oh dear, Rebekah.

Life can be so difficult, especially when you are facing your battles alone. Of course, you are never truly alone, but sometimes it feels like it.

Please don't say you fail at life! I hope you get some answers soon.

lelly said...

I am worried about you. Please know that you are not alone!! I might not be a life coach, but I can give a pretty darn good pep talk.

i'm here for you.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Life is one class you can't fail. Everyone just stumbles about doing the best we can. But depression is a problem that needs to be noticed and taken care of. Professionally. Hoping you get some help with that!

RE: vomitting - I'm an easy puker so I certainly understand. Some people have that reaction to other states than Texas!

Worrying about ya!! Not a life coach but I'm telling you what you worry about now probably won't matter 10 years from now. This is from a 52 yo woman....

Joie said...

There seems to be a stark contrast between this post and your last. It's funny how one day you can be counting all of your blessings and the next day you just want to give up on everything.

Just know that if I had the perfect words, advice, or understanding--I wouldn't be reading your blog looking for the answers ;)

I'll try adding my prayers to yours and see if something gets through the cotton.

Anonymous said...

I know what it feels like to be alone and tired of life, when nothing makes sense to you. I've been there. So believe me when I does get better. And one day, you'll look back at all this and you'll understand why God gave you this cross to bear. I would not appreciate as much what I have now if I hadn't gone through those hard times. Praying for you...

MBC said...

I'm thinking about you and praying for you and hoping you're feeling better today, Lovely.

scrambled brains said...

The only way to fail at life is to give up. You, my friend, are succeeding!

Jill said...

Oh honey, I feel your pain! I didn't know you struggled with depression. If you haven't gotten medication for that now is the time! You will not believe the relief you will experience. It's not that your life struggles will change, but your ability to handle them will.

Don't give up!!!

Tracy Ngu said...

How are you doing? Better I hope.

I have been feeling out of control in my own life lately. Things have happened that have made me question everything. I am not ready to give up yet because if I do then that means that bad has won out over good and I can't let that happen. I've been trying to remember that no situation is permanent, even when it seems like nothing changes or will ever change. Eventually, I will get my life back on track. You will too. I know it because I know you are a strong, intelligent, funny person who can do anything you set your mind to.

Stay strong Rebekah! I will be praying for you and thinking about you! {{{{hugs}}}} ♥

Rachel said...

I am behind in reading your blog, but I hope the sun has peeked out for you a time or two in the last week... Maybe one day out of the blue I will jump out of your closet. That would be really terrifying.

Really, though, I'm praying for your Reba. You are WONDERFUL!

michelle said...

I didn't realize you suffered from depression, Rebekah. I totally get it. The daily struggle, feeling like you are only just surviving, the small victories. Feeling hopeless even when you are medicated.

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes we just need to live. Sometimes we just need to stop thinking of all these thoughts that cloud our minds and trick us! Sometimes life is just life. When all else in our lives make us feel this way, look at the beauty surrounding you. The song of a bird, the rays of sun on your face, the formation of clouds that cover the sky. "Three Thing Method" in an Ensign article years ago.....choose 3 things today you can accomplish and feel good about! YES success! Very simple, roll over in bed, brush my teeth, make my bed. Go to work, make dinner, watch my favorite show. You get the point, as simple as needed or as involved as needed! We all are successful daily! I love you! You are a fantastic person! YOU are so talented!!!