Tuesday, February 22, 2011

:::Part of the Whole Story:::

I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments on my last post. It's a post I've been wanting to write for a long, long time, but I never know how much to share as I blog about my life.

Those of you who have had the pleasure of knowing (putting up with) me in person have been through various ups and down with me throughout years. Whether I was forthcoming with the information or you guessed it on your own, it was probably obvious to you that I suffer from chronic depression.

Depression has been a constant struggle for me since before high school. This black dog never goes away. While some people may experience depression at different points in their life during depressive episodes, my form of depression is always present. It is always there, and it will always require vigilant handling, regardless of whether I am feeling up or down. I say this so that you can understand that I don't just feel blue, and that there isn't an easy cure for my version of depression. Think cold vs. emphysema. Colds stink and there really isn't a cure for them, but they eventually go away with the help of medication or just the natural run of time.When a cold is gone, it's gone.

Emphysema also has no cure, but unlike a cold, it won't run it's course. It's a permanent, every day condition. I hate it when people suggest that I can get over feeling depressed, or when people tell me, 'Oh, I was depressed once!' then give me advice for how I should get over it. You were depressed once? What? Seriously?

I would chew my right arm off to be done with depression. It is beyond frustrating (and hysterically enough, depressing) to go to so many great lengths to keep myself feeling well only to be socked by a worse-than-normal bout of depression.

I will always be depressed. I guess it's like being an alcoholic. Once you've gone through treatment and have remained sober for a period of time, you're just an alcoholic that is choosing not to drink. Every day you have to wake up and go through whatever processes it is that you go through to keep your head above water. Some days the alcoholic flies high, and some days all she can do is make it from sun-up to sun down without taking that drink that she's obsessing over. That's her victory. Staying still, not doing anything.

The severity of my depression depends on...I wish I knew what. I can be in the best of circumstances and feel suicidal. I don't know why that happens, I just know that it does and it will.

Living life is a difficult choice for me some times. When I wrote the previous post, I was at the beginning of a suicidal period, which have been coming more frequently lately. I don't want to shock anyone with that, I just want to help people understand why I am the way I am sometimes and what it's like to be someone who suffers from serious depression. For the past two years I have done more to try and improve my well-being, but over the course of time my depression has worsened. Again, I don't know why that is.

I have been in and out of therapy for years. I have been prescribed a bevvy of medications. I am currently on a few anti-depression medications, plus occasionally an anti-anxiety medication. I know this will make some readers and lurkers think less of me, but I'm hoping that by being honest about my struggles I can help someone else just by letting them know that they aren't alone.

I know I'm not the only one who has to deal with depression. For anyone reading this who also has to deal with serious depression, self-harming, and suicidal thoughts, impulses, and actions, I know what it's like. I know how hard every day living can be. I know why little things are major victories to you. I understand why you feel so tired and so drained just from 'being'.

The outcome that I hope for from this post is understanding, not pity. I'm closing the comment section because I don't want anyone to feel like they have to say something in response to all of this. Some of you may not know what to say, which is totally normal.

Thank you all again for your support. We were all in Texas this past weekend for Sophia's baptism, so I'll post about that soon.