:::Cat Nap:::

Hercule the cat wakes up at 4:30 am expecting to be fed. I can usually postpone HRH until 5:30. 

As soon as I get out of bed in the morning he hops up and settles in to what is probably the first of many naps of the day. I like to tuck him into the covers because I think it's funny. Oh, Hercule. 

:::A Cry For Help:::

One of my coteachers was making up sentences this morning for an activity.  

I don't know why, but the 'Can I go home' in the middle made me laugh.

:::"O woman, great is thy faith"

In preparation for Easter I'm trying to read the Gospels. I'm only a few chapters into Matthew, but I've already been touched by a simple truth about Jesus's ministry - He was always helping people, and specifically, healing people. In just a few short chapters detailing the beginning of His mortal ministry, Christ took the time to heal people suffering from all manner of afflictions. He asked that these people be brought to Him, He allowed these people to approach Him, and He answered the fervent requests of those who sought Him on behalf of those who needed His healing. 

Never before has the reality of Christ's healing ministry touched me so deeply. Healing the temporal afflictions of His people was clearly a high priority for the Lord, something He cared about, something He placed importance on, and something He undoubtedly enjoyed doing. 

Sometimes when I have a realization moment about Christ I'm just struck by how very good He was. What an awesome, compassionate, in touch Lord we have. 

The relevance this truth has to me is that I am beginning to build stronger faith that one day the Lord will heal my afflictions. He won't just lift my burdens, as that is the promise for mortality. At some future day I will see the Lord, and He will heal me of "every sickness and every disease (Matthew 9:35)." The older I get the more and more I struggle with depression, which I had not anticipated. I have found some peace recently in remembering that depression is a disease, a medical condition, and not an assessment of my character. And just as Jesus healed the man with the withered hand, cast out devils, and made the lame to walk, one day I will be called to Him and with the same love and compassion that He showed the people of ancient times, He will heal me. He will heal me completely, leaving no weakness or affliction behind. 

:::Blooming:::

These flowers are giving me life today....

I arranged them myself, and I'm quite proud. 

:::34:::

In honor of my recent birthday, and for the sake of having something to live for, here's a list of the things I want out of life - 

1. Take a drawing class.

2. Get a keyboard and learn to play the hymns.

3. Move out of the great state of Texas. My original plan was to stay no longer than November 2015, so tick tock.

4. Lose more weight. 

5. Move.

6. Read more books.

I may add to this list later. It's Saturday morning and my mind is a blank. 

:::White Chocolate Pumpkin Dream Cookies:::

I caved and got cable this summer, and I've have been watching cheesy movies on the Hallmark channels ever since. Some of my favorite movies have been the Joanne Fluke mystery adaptations, the lateset being Murder She Baked: A Plum Pudding Mystery. The main character in the story, Hannah Swensen, owns a cookie bakery, so the whole experience of watching is like one big triggering minefield for a baking addict. In the movie Hannah mentions a white chocolate pumpkin dream cookie, so I hit up the Google to find a recipe. This one comes from Taste of Home, and it lived up to it's name by being quite dreamy.

I made mine without frosting because I don't really dig frosted cookies.Plus, I omitted the pecans because...I didn't want to pay for them. Ha, ha! I economize in the weirdest ways.

1 cup butter, softened

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1 egg

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 cup canned pumpkin

2 cups all-purpose flour

3-1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 package (10 to 12 ounces) white baking chips (I bought the white chocolate chips with the simplest ingredient list, which ended up being the Private Selections brand from Kroger. I was surprised that some of the fancier brands were filled with a long list of sketch ingredients.)

1 cup chopped pecans (I omitted these)

1. In a large bowl, cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg, vanilla and pumpkin. Combine dry ingredients; gradually add to the creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in chips and pecans.

2. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 12-14 minutes or until firm. Remove to wire racks to cool.

Yield: About 2 1/2 dozen large cookies

:::Grant Me the Serenity:::

It's finally cooling down here, which means it's consistently in the 70s. Amen. My Christmas decorations are up and this weekend I had my first fire in the fireplace. Come on, Advent. I'm ready.

In an effort to maintain my snail's pace of weight loss, I'm making a list of the holiday foods that I'm most looking forward to eating, and focusing on enjoying the heck out of the somewhat reasonable portions of these that I want to allow myself. An ever present atmosphere of treats and fancies are about to descend upon us, and I want to be ready.

If I'm going to be honest, over indulgence has never helped me enjoy the season more. Oh, it certainly seems like it will as I'm rolling out those sugar cookies, or adding more cream to those mashed potatoes, or grabbing for softball sized handfuls of caramel corn...but the guilt always follows, and guilt is such a messy, depressing emotion. And at the end of any holiday binge I'm not any closer to having a perfect Christmas or feeling more of the Christmas spirit, or whatever it is I'm seeking at the bottom of the bread basket, than I was before. 

So I'm promising myself these treats so that I don't get knocked off track by things I really don't care about, but are just there. Here is my list - 

1. Two pieces of nuts and chews candy from See's 

2. A slice of rich pumpkin pie

3. Creamy mashed potatoes

4. Some kind of spicy gingerbread or ginger snap or ginger cookie

5. A delicious, liberally frosted sugar cookie

6. Two fabulous tasting rolls

That list is actually kind of long, or at least longer that I thought it would be. Blurg. 

Was this post too much about food? Do I sound like an addict? Am I an addict? Sigh...Probably. But I'm an addict with a plan, baby! An addict with a plan!

:::Magic:::

Over the past seven or so years I've felt like so much of the magic that I used to see and feel and know has leached out of the world. Is it just me? Do you feel it too? Is it harder to see beauty now? To look out and find comfort and peace? There's a measure of true and simple goodness missing from so much of what I see and hear, and I think, in a way, I've began to accept this as just the way things are now.

But as I write this I wonder if it's not that there is less magic, less beauty, less comfort and peace, but that my orientation to these things has been shifted, and instead of being a consumer only, I'm being called to create magic, to develop beauty, to give comfort and peace. It's an eternal pattern that first we observe and learn, then we are called to go and do. Instead of needing other people to provide me with light, I need to create it for myself, and for the people around me.

The process of writing and sharing used to come more easily for me. Now it feels almost painful to open an empty blog post and begin to write. But I need to write, and honestly, I would love it if you would write and share more about your lives as well. I'm going to start blogging more, and you will hear about my encounters with light and my battles against darkness, the simple things in life that I love and the amazing things that come from out of the blue. But mostly, just my daily living, and I hope that's worth something.

:::Claws:::

I have been waiting all week for this week to be over. I've been so tired for some reason. 

I love it when Herc comes and lays on me. Remember how I have a cat? I'm a cat person! Who would have ever thought? I clipped his front nails myself over the course of two days. Victory! And I only sustained minimal wounds. 

This week at work I semi-stood up for myself with my domineering, micromanaging, team lead. It felt so good. I didn't do or say anything unwise, I just...I don't know. Reached a limit and was done. Done being spoken too like I was dumb. It felt liberating, and now that I've drawn that line in the sand I don't feel so sick about going to work every day. 

Happy Weekend! It's so hot here now and I just want to swim all day. 

:::The Chair Place:::

I've created a little spot in my room for a chair. I firmly believe the lack of a chair in this space has been what's keeping me from thinking all the Big Thoughts and achieving all of the Big Peace. Obviuslyyyyy. Clearly the holdup is furniture. 

:::You're Ugly Too:::

A long time ago I read this short story by Lorrie Moore called, "You're Ugly Too." The title comes from a punchline to a joke that goes something like this - A patient goes to see his doctor and is stunned when the doctor tells him he only has six weeks to live. The patient says he wants a second opinion, and the doctor says, 'Okay...you're ugly, too.'

Get it?

It's been a 'You're ugly, too,' kind of time lately. 'Along with you regular failings, Rebekah, you're ugly too.'

Dear Miss Scott, 

We relish the opportunity to inform you, not for the first time, that you have failed at everything you have tried to accomplish in your dim and undistinguished life. Below is a brief enumeration of your primary shortcomings. 

One - You have no ability to attract the opposite sex, and you will never find love or companionship or even an amiable acquaintance with a human male. You are a fool to think or act otherwise, and you only embarrass yourself when you do so. People are laughing at you, Miss Scott. In the future you would be better served to keep these desires to yourself. 

Two - You are woefully underemployed, and lack the mental acuity and perseverance to succeed in any field of employment. No one takes you seriously, and you will continue to be surpassed by your peers, all of whom have the intellect and stamina to thrive in professional environments.

Three - You do not fit in at church, and you never will. You have known this to be true for many years. Regular reminders of this fact will continue to be sent to you. 

Four - We cannot offer you a more blunt statement than the readout on a scale could provide. That you gained weight in the first place, and that you have been unable to lose this weight over the course of a lifetime is an indication of the fundamental weakness in your character. You can never make up for the time and opportunities you have lost, but remediation of this problem would at least decrease the burden you presently are on the healthcare system, and the visual offense you present to those who find excessive weight to be unappealing. 

Five - You're ugly, too.

Your acceptance of the above is assumed, and noted in the record.

Sincerely,

The Committee on Life


Sometimes I hate the mortal mind. It can twist and darken and poison so subtly, but so fiercely. At the same time that you absolutely know negative feelings about your worth and capacities aren't true, they can still ring with such strong reverberation through you're brain. Anything that rings that deeply shouldn't be ignored, right? You wouldn't feel something so deeply if it was wrong, would you?

That's what I struggle to explain to people about depression - the dichotomy of pure truth and perceived truth that you can hold in tandem in your brain. Trying to separate the two and expel what is false wears you out and wears you thin, but at the same time it can just feel...normal? Like the standard way a life works?

But sometimes I think the best thing you can do is not try to solve anything, just say to yourself, 'Oh well,' and push pause on the great effort to Figure Things Out. To not get tangled up in the exhausting gymnastics involved in maneuvering the minefield of your thoughts and just...

?

To the Committee on Life,

Your most recent letter has been received. 

Regards,

Rebekah


I mean, who do they think they are, anyhow?

:::Cat Life:::

I'm currently watching my new cat, Hercule Poirot, try to hunt birds on a YouTube video made especially for cats. And he just somehow restarted it with his paws. 

 

I keep thinking to myself, 'Rebekah, you shouldn't be so tickled by this.'

But, you know, we've each got to find our happy place, am I right?

:::Thanksgiving 2014:::

I really enjoyed my Thanksgiving this year. For many small reasons, it was one of the best I can remember.

I was invited to a dinner with two families in my ward and volunteered to make pie and rolls. For the pies I settled on maple pumpkin and coconut cream. When I went to the store on Wednesday night to get ingredients there was only one bag of all-purpose flour left on the shelf! I snatched it up even though it had a tiny hole I it. 

The market was a zoo and I didn't want to waste time pulling out my recipes and checking exactly what I needed, so I over purchased whipping cream and half-and-half. I figure I'll just drink what was left over straight from the carton.  

It was an exhausting amount of work to make the crusts and pies from scratch, but hey, I learned a lot, and it was what I wanted to do, so there's that. 

When I finally got into bed I FaceTimed with my parents in California, as well as my sister and her family who are out there visiting for the holiday. 

The next morning I went to brunch at the home of some other friends from my ward. One of the dishes they served was cinnamon roll French toast with mascarpone whipped cream, real Vermont maple syrup, and mixed berry sauce. A nice, light way to start the day. 

After dinner that night with another group of ward friends, they took me shopping at Target and Kohl's. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be and it was fun to be out with them. 

One of my favorite purchases were some of the $4-$6 DVDs at Target. I told my friend Courtney it was like all of my boyfriends were coming home with me. 

Friday I went shopping at JC Penney's and actually found a lot of great work clothes. Who knew? I tried to take advantage of a gift card promotion, as well as sign up for a card for additional savings, but kind of bumbled the situation. Later, when I tried to rectify the situation I learned that you can't return purchases made with gift cards for cash at Penny's. Blurg. I ended up with $50 in gift card money and no idea what to do with it, so I went to the in-store salon and had my eyebrows done (I was going to spend money on that elsewhere anyhow) and got some product for my hair. 

While at the mall I purchased some Wallflowers at Bed Bath and Beyond in different holiday scents. I usually don't care for scents, but I'm surrounded by smokers on many sides in my apartment. 

I also broked one of my cardinal rules and bought a tiny fake Christmas tree at Hobby Lobby. I spent so much on sales I just couldn't fulfill my dreams of an 8ft. flocked beauty this year. 

Later that afternoon I went to pick up my sewing scissors back from being sharpened. I don't sew, but, you know...I've got to cut ribbon and stuff. 

This morning I worked my regular shift at the temple, then went to Penny's again (someone stop me) before going to my sister's house to take some packages off her doorstep. My friend Dayna texted me while I was out to see if I wanted to go see the new Hunger Games movie, so I went straight to her house. Afterwards we had dinner at Five Guys, then I went to Michael's for my absolute last sale/Christmas related purchases, Sprouts for groceries, then the ATM, and then finally, finally made it home for the first time since 5:30 this morning. 

I did so much shopping that I feel a little guilty at this point, but I'm just going to enjoy the work clothes and the few decorative items I got. I just hate it when two days after payday you're already counting down until the next paycheck! 

My favorite part of the holiday was spending time with friends. Usually I don't mind being alone at Thanksgiving, but this year I really enjoyed the company of others. 

I hope you had a great holiday as well! 

:::A Better Sense of Judgment:::

"It got up and ran away. Seemed uninjured and old," she wished she had known before she spoke with two 911 operators and an animal control officer whom she also texted several photos to. Twice did she think she saw the dog stop breathing, and twice did she call her friend in a panic. Late was she to her church training meeting because she spent 15 minutes singing I Am a Child of God and Families Can Be Together Forever to a dog she was sure had been hit by a car and was about to go to Glory. Only once did she text the animal control officer the next day to learn the fate of said dog, but many times since has she felt like a fool. 

:::My Idea for Relief Society:::

Why don't we ever bring meals to single sisters? I say never, basing this off my own experiences. If you've ever been in a non-singles ward that has coordinated meals for single, not widowed, no children, working women, I'd love to hear about your experience. 

I've walked through many stressful, frustrating, and fearful times in the workforce. Knowing that someone else would be bringing me dinner would have been amazing. I would have felt remembered and loved by the Relief Society sisters and the Lord, and encouraged by the outreach. Cooking can be a great stress relief, but it can also be the last thing you want to deal with while handling the stress and anxiety of life situations. 

Sometimes we even coordinate cleaning for women with sick children, who are preparing for a move, or who just need an extra hand. I can testify to you that even one person in an apartment could use this type of assistance during times of trouble. 

It's just something I've always wondered. As a whole I think we are uneven in our compassionate service. Myself included. Have I ever tried to coordinate meals for a single sister? Nope. And I'm one of them!

This post isn't meant to be a condemnation. I really have wondered about this, and wondered why even I myself am blind to the needs of single sisters. 

:::Labor Day:::

Enter quip about laboring on Labor Day. Today I'm stuck inside working on my resume for a position that just opened at work. I hate resumes, but watch me spin this in a positive way - I'm grateful I have job experience, and a shot at a position that I'm interested in. I win. 

Look at the outside. I want to go there. It's in the 80s now, but will be in the high 90s by the afternoon. Alas. 

Also, I bought some bootleg black grapes from the Asian market. One, they are seeded. Two, they burn my lips if I eat more than seven of them. I'm going to give them to my Primary children next week. Ha, ha! J/K. But the thought does makes me LOL IRL. 

:::I'm Tops:::

Yesterday we had a work activity at this place called Top Golf. It's what I think they call a golfing 'experience'. I love an experience! You know that about me!

Anyhow, the venue is a three-tiered building with open air platforms that you take shots off of. There are targets out on the green and microchips in the balls and blah, blah, blah, you get points for hitting targets. Our Director announced that whoever got the highest score out of the men and women would win an extra PTO day. Bless sexism! The highest male score to win was over 180. I took the female win at...60. 

Here's a picture of me shooting up a mini donut with Bavarian cream. You know, I'm always disappointed with those mini donuts every time I have them. They never actually taste like donuts, do they? Just over-fried cinnamon sugar balls. I mean, I ate three, but whatever. 

I'm trying to blog again. That explains this post. 

:::Sick Day, August 22nd, 2014:::

Ailment: Cold? Respiratory infection? Flu?

Strength: Mild-ish

Work Hours Missed: 12

Entertainment: So, so much Magnum, PI.  Do you know what's funny? So much time has passed since my last time in Hawaii that the Oahu in the show would probably be more familiar to me than modern Oahu. I'm gonna sell some platelets and head back. 

Food of Choice: I love ramen forever. Don't hate. I toss out the flavor packet and use chicken broth. Then I like to add bean sprouts, jalapeños, chili garlic sauce, lime, radishes, red onion, garlic (yes, more), ginger, and an egg. So good. 

Outings: Costco. Wal-Mart. 

What I'm Missing Out On: My shift at the temple tomorrow morning. :( 

Depression Levels Due To Isolation: Medium. 

:::It's Not Much, But...:::

Spring cleaning continues. Less hot and more hot (seasons mean nothing here) clothes sorted, swapped, and moved from that now empty space which they used to inhabit on the floor. 

Also, that box fan? I took it apart myself and washed each part. I'm probably way too proud of myself for that. 

But seriously though. Look at that fan!

:::Spring Cleaning:::

It gets worse, so much worse, before it gets better, doesn't it? 

This is my new favorite Method spray - Clementine. I love citrus scents! They are the only scents I can handle. Anything else makes me feel like I can't breathe or smells like cut grass and weeds to me. Lavender, basil, verbena...

My goal this year is to use up/donate the majority of my craft materials and only be left with tools. I'm also hoping to get rid of most of my books. Do you like to keep books at home? I don't, really. I know that makes me sound like a complete dimwit, but I've found that owning books doesn't do much for me. I'd rather get them from the library and ditch them when I'm done with them. I'm so cold hearted!

Well, I'm procrastinating, which was probably obvious. 

Onward and upward.