I am not happy.
I am not happy because I hate to exercise. I hate it. For the past three weeks I've been exercising regularly and it has not made me feel better, more uplifted, more productive, or more awesome. It has made me tired, stressed, sore, and majorly worn out on an emotional and physical level. It has disrupted my sleep patterns. It has made me feel like I can't cope with anything else in my life because exercising has taken over my life.
The only benefit that I can see from this stupid experiment is that I can somewhat defend myself when the negative voice in my head starts calling me a lazy fatty.
I want my life back. I chose my life, free time, 8 hours of sleep, creative projects, work productivity, calm evenings, functioning knees, and my positive attitude over exercise. I'm not sorry about this right now.
I am willing to work harder on my eating, as in working hard to do the work that is really going to hurt (as in, touch my carbs and DIE!). This I can do without feeling like I need to beat my brains out. Changing my eating habits will not by any means be easy, but I don't hate the thought of it. In fact, it's something that I've wanted to do my entire life, but I've just never felt that I was strong enough to break free from my dependency on food.
I want to be a healthier eater who makes wise food choices and knows what full feels like. I want to have the strength to say 'no', 'no, more,' 'no thank you,' 'no, I packed my lunch,' 'no dessert tonight,' 'i'm full,' 'i'm about to be full,' 'let's add more vegetables,' 'let's make this without meat,' 'let's make something with less sugar,' 'I don't need pasta and bread,' 'we don't need food to celebrate,' and more and more and more, to infinity and beyond.
I dream about a version of me (weight be darned) who is in control of what she puts into her body. This person makes educated decisions about food and not only controls how much she eats, but also pays heed to the quality and the value of what she eats. She isn't afraid of food or eating, in fact, she embraces both. This is the me I long to be, that I'm am willing (Geronimo!) to work towards. I love visiting with this version of me. She is a woman in control, with real struggles, with real trials, but with real will power. She is strong and balanced and tells me good things about myself, even in my current almost-anything-goes state.
I have no idea if she likes to exercise. Quite frankly, it's never come up.
