:::Did She Ever Get Married?:::

(I wrote this post as soon as I woke up this morning, then chickened out of posting it, then reread it at work and thought, meh, what the hay.)

While I was in Texas, Sarah and I talked a lot about shifting our wants and dreams to fit the circumstances in our life that we've wound up in, great as those circumstances may be. We wondered how we could come to terms with knowing that it was time to mentally and emotionally move our focus from where we wanted to be to where we actually were in life, and then go from there without being hung-up on our original dreams. Make sense?

For example, I'm nearly 28, not married, and with no children. I'm never going to be a young mother at BYU. Heck, I'm never going to be a young mother. That dream is gone. It's just not going to happen, no matter how deeply rooted it was in my heart, and regardless of how 'good' I was or am, there is no way for me to jump back in time and have that experience.

I'm also not going to have a big old mess of children. Yeah, yeah, it's still technically possible and blah, blah, blah, but don't you believe that you can feel in your heart when a door closes? I do, and I think that door has creeeeaked shut.

And now, being closer to 30 than I am to 20 (thank heavens), I feel like I juuust might have the answer to the 'will I ever get married' question, and I think, all things considered, that the scale is tipped in favor of 'no'. What does this mean? Well, it means that sometimes I'm sad about it, but most of the time it just feels natural in an accepting way, and that's why I think that I kind of know.


Me: Lord, will I get married?

Lord: No, Rebekah, not now.

Me: Oh, ok. So, can you guarantee me a garden flat in London?

Lord: Um, we'll see, dear.

Me: Hmm. I'll ask again in a little while, just in case.


The thing is, I just might get my garden flat in London, I just might get away with it. It's something within my power and capability and current life circumstances to bring about. It fits within the groove that my life has carved for me, it's on my track. That's a good, healthy place for my dreams and expectations to be because even if I don't get a garden flat in London, it's something I can at least get close to going in the direction that I'm going.

Sarah told me that my mom worries that I'll marry someone mean (news to me, Annette). I told her the question shouldn't be 'Will she marry someone mean?' but, 'Will she want to get married at all?' My life as a single person is starting to take shape and I really like what I'm seeing.

Do I want to get married? Do I still need to want to even if I think I won't? Is that the righteous thing to do?

I don't know if I want to get married. I'm not 23 anymore. I feel like I've been to the mountain top and I've seen down into the promised land. There is so much that I could do on the other side of 30, so much to experience, so much to have. And all those experiences and things and lessons would all be mine. Mine, mine, mine. And I could do whatever I wanted all of the time, and I would never have to worry about being a certain way to keep someone interested or in love with me. It would all be about me and the good things I wanted to do with my life. Hot. damn.

This is a breakthrough for me. Most of my 20s were spent worrying and crying over the fact that I wasn't good enough for the Lord to send me a man. Now I think, 'Meh, if someone wants me they can come and get me. In the mean time, I will go to Paaaaris!'

Do I sound selfish? Maybe I am. It probably doesn't matter though, because, hey, it is all about me. For a single person maybe selfishness is survival. I support myself. I plan for myself. I pay my bills. I organize and coordinate my entire life -- alone. I do it all, so, yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about me and what I want, what I want, what I want. If I don't, I'm...jobless? On the streets? Directionless? Dependent on others for the things I could do for myself? Never.

If there's not going to be a husband to share my life with or children to nurture, then good for me for wanting what is coming down the road. The Lord put it there, so good for me.


This post was supposed to end up as a list of unique things that I would bring to motherhood if I entered that blessed state much later in life than I had originally planned. Instead, something else spilled out onto the screen. Something very interesting...

To be continued...

:::In the Bleak Midwinter:::

I just found out that my favorite Christmas Carol -- 'In the Bleak Midwinter' -- was first written as a poem by the wonderful Christina Rosetti. I think her words here are perfect because they convey so simply and beautifully exactly what she is trying to say, and the exact feelings and observations that this moment would elicit. It's a sign of good writing when you feel positive that there is no other way in heaven or earth to nail the essence of something more completely than a certain writer already has.

This video below is my favorite rendition of 'In the Bleak Midwinter' by the Gloucester Cathedral Choir (and congregation). Don't you just want to be there with them? 9 times out of 10 this makes me cry.

In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
Water like a stone;
Snow had fallen,
Snow on snow,
Snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter,
Long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him,
Nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
When he comes to reign;
In the bleak midwinter
A stable place sufficed
The Lord God incarnate,
Jesus Christ.

Enough for him, whom Cherubim
Worship night and day
A breast full of milk
And a manger full of hay.
Enough for him, whom angels
Fall down before,
The ox and ass and camel
which adore.

Angels and archangels
May have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
Thronged the air;
But his mother only,
In her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the Beloved
With a kiss.

What can I give him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him
—Give my heart.

The first stanza is my favorite -- "In the bleak midwinter/Frosty wind made moan/Earth stood hard as iron/Water like a stone." Is that not perfect? If I tried for a million years I couldn't come up with something so succinct and yet so packed with imagery. I wish I had the mind of a poet because they see so many lyrical connections and interpretations in the world.

And yes, this marks the official start of the holiday season on this here blog. It's in the 60s right now and I had to wear a scarf tonight. Oh, and I literally just heard the air conditioning cut off for the first time since April. Ha, ha! Welcome, cold! Welcome, Christmas!

:::Bug Bite:::

This is what happens when I get bug bites --



This bad boy is almost 6 inches in diameter and is hot, itchy, and very scratchy. No worries though, I have two different kinds of itch remedies.

Today I am on duty at the house (I'll explain that in another post), so I'm just bumming around my room. The National Book Festival is going on down at the Mall, but I'll have to miss it for the second year in a row. Too bad.

:::Snapshots -- Wednesday, September 23, 2009:::

1. Well, whatever the heck was happening with my body temperature has now ended. Yesterday I felt as hot and stuffy as ever even though the air conditioner was on full blast. I think I have molten lava running through my veins instead of blood. Oh well, it was fun not feeling like a sweaty beast for a few days.

2. I am tired of walking everywhere. Even though I take the metro or the bus, I still have to walk in order to get to the stations or stops. Pound, pound, pound. Every morning as I walk to Union Station, and every night as I make my way up the street to my house. Pound, pound, pound.

3. This morning when I arrived at work I felt especially frazzled, and because of this I kept dropping things, forgetting things, and just doing things wrong. I did manage to get a package ready for Emily, but as I was walking to the mail room I realized that I had separately addressed and stamped the card that I should have included in the package. {Smack} More than likely the package will arrive before the card. {Smack} {Smack}

4. Yesterday I received 220 photos from my Texas trip that I had ordered from Snapfish. Most of them were of a horrible quality. I sent those off today as well in order to get my money back, but not before I had to reopen the thoroughly taped package to include my order information. {SMACK}

5. Today I ate a cookie that was literally the size of a frisbee.


6. That's the book I'm currently reading. I like it. It's well paced and comfortable with a good enough story to keep you going.

7. You would not be able to conceive how much I've spent on lunch in the past two weeks. Here's a hint: lunch in DC runs about $8-$10, easy. Add any kind of side or drink and you're looking at $11 and upwards. Plus, I've ordered Thai food twice. The place I order from has a $15 minimum for delivery.

8. As I was waiting for the bus tonight I looked up and saw some policemen on horseback. I was so happy that I had thought twice and decided to bring my camera to work with me today.


As they passed, the ladies at the bus stop were chatting about how pretty the horses were and how much they reminded them of New York, etc. When the horses had gone through the intersection we all turned back up the street to watch for the buses, and one of the women said, "Oh, now that's a shame."


I call this photo Wednesday, September 23, 2009, On Pavement.

9. Tonight was one of the nights that I ordered Thai. I got some satay sticks, and was surprised to find that a single slice of white bread was included in my order. This confused me, and I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. I've eaten a lot of Thai food in my life, but I've never been served white bread as a side. Unaware of its use, I just threw it away.


10. Someone just posted a Miss Marple episode on YouTube that was taken down about six months ago. Hot dog! I've been waiting for this for a long time.


Meh. Legale, non legale.

:::Global Colding:::

Last week I...

• Turned off my air conditioning
• Wore socks to bed (I never wear socks to bed)
• Wore long sleeves to work everyday
• Wore a sweater and a scarf to work one day
• Slept with my comforter pulled over my head
• Nearly froze to death in my room

How cold was it? 75 degrees, which isn't cold at all.

:::Molly Videos:::

I forgot that I had these two videos to post of Molly from my trip. The first video is Molly and I greeting the morning. The second is of Molly reprimanding Bruno, their new dog. It's her new favorite past time.

:::Laundry:::

Tonight I've spent my time washing all of my towels, rugs, and clothes, and in between loads downloading fonts while watching Murder, She Wrote episodes on Netflix. Is there anything more tedious than downloading fonts?

I don't find laundry to be tedious, but more of a drag. At least it is when I don't have machines in my home. When I do, I actually enjoy laundry, I even but this book. I like the suddent transformation from dirty to clean, the fresh start of newly laundered clothes and towels, and folding everything into neat piles. Plus, there's the mental relief of knowing that you aren't surrounded my dirty textiles anymore. Relying on public laundry facilities just takes some of the fun out of it though.


Here are the pros and cons of the laundry mat --

Pros

• If there are enough machines open, you can do more than one load at a time and get all of your laundry done at once.
• Sometimes laundry mats have high capacity machines or front loaders (mine doesn't).

Cons

• There might not be any machines open.
• You have to get dressed to do your laundry.
• You have to go back and forth to put the laundry in the washing machines, change it to the dryers, then pick it up.
• If you can't get enough machines for all of your laundry, you have to go back and forth even more.
• Theft.
• It costs money. Currently I'm paying $1 for washing, $.75 for drying.
• You end up sacrificing some of your clothes before you figure out the idiosyncrasies of your washers and dryers. It's usually the dryers that cause the most trouble.
• Like a beast of burden, you have to carry all of your clothes and detergent with you.
• Other people see your dirty unmentionables.
• Other people see your clean unmentionables.
• Because you have to pay, you can't do small loads whenever you need to. You have to wait until you have a full load of laundry to do the wash. Some weeks this drives me batty.

At least I'm lucky enough to have a laundry room in my building. If I didn't, I'd probably pay to have someone else come pick it up and do it for me.