(I wrote this post as soon as I woke up this morning, then chickened out of posting it, then reread it at work and thought, meh, what the hay.)
While I was in Texas, Sarah and I talked a lot about shifting our wants and dreams to fit the circumstances in our life that we've wound up in, great as those circumstances may be. We wondered how we could come to terms with knowing that it was time to mentally and emotionally move our focus from where we wanted to be to where we actually were in life, and then go from there without being hung-up on our original dreams. Make sense?
For example, I'm nearly 28, not married, and with no children. I'm never going to be a young mother at BYU. Heck, I'm never going to be a young mother. That dream is gone. It's just not going to happen, no matter how deeply rooted it was in my heart, and regardless of how 'good' I was or am, there is no way for me to jump back in time and have that experience.
I'm also not going to have a big old mess of children. Yeah, yeah, it's still technically possible and blah, blah, blah, but don't you believe that you can feel in your heart when a door closes? I do, and I think that door has creeeeaked shut.
And now, being closer to 30 than I am to 20 (thank heavens), I feel like I juuust might have the answer to the 'will I ever get married' question, and I think, all things considered, that the scale is tipped in favor of 'no'. What does this mean? Well, it means that sometimes I'm sad about it, but most of the time it just feels natural in an accepting way, and that's why I think that I kind of know.
Me: Lord, will I get married?
Lord: No, Rebekah, not now.
Me: Oh, ok. So, can you guarantee me a garden flat in London?
Lord: Um, we'll see, dear.
Me: Hmm. I'll ask again in a little while, just in case.
The thing is, I just might get my garden flat in London, I just might get away with it. It's something within my power and capability and current life circumstances to bring about. It fits within the groove that my life has carved for me, it's on my track. That's a good, healthy place for my dreams and expectations to be because even if I don't get a garden flat in London, it's something I can at least get close to going in the direction that I'm going.
Sarah told me that my mom worries that I'll marry someone mean (news to me, Annette). I told her the question shouldn't be 'Will she marry someone mean?' but, 'Will she want to get married at all?' My life as a single person is starting to take shape and I really like what I'm seeing.
Do I want to get married? Do I still need to want to even if I think I won't? Is that the righteous thing to do?
I don't know if I want to get married. I'm not 23 anymore. I feel like I've been to the mountain top and I've seen down into the promised land. There is so much that I could do on the other side of 30, so much to experience, so much to have. And all those experiences and things and lessons would all be mine. Mine, mine, mine. And I could do whatever I wanted all of the time, and I would never have to worry about being a certain way to keep someone interested or in love with me. It would all be about me and the good things I wanted to do with my life. Hot. damn.
This is a breakthrough for me. Most of my 20s were spent worrying and crying over the fact that I wasn't good enough for the Lord to send me a man. Now I think, 'Meh, if someone wants me they can come and get me. In the mean time, I will go to Paaaaris!'
Do I sound selfish? Maybe I am. It probably doesn't matter though, because, hey, it is all about me. For a single person maybe selfishness is survival. I support myself. I plan for myself. I pay my bills. I organize and coordinate my entire life -- alone. I do it all, so, yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about me and what I want, what I want, what I want. If I don't, I'm...jobless? On the streets? Directionless? Dependent on others for the things I could do for myself? Never.
If there's not going to be a husband to share my life with or children to nurture, then good for me for wanting what is coming down the road. The Lord put it there, so good for me.
This post was supposed to end up as a list of unique things that I would bring to motherhood if I entered that blessed state much later in life than I had originally planned. Instead, something else spilled out onto the screen. Something very interesting...
To be continued...