:::nil desperandum:::

"i hope you feel better."

"huh?"

"you're sick, aren't you?

"oh, no, not really..."

"i'm sorry."

"do i look sick?"

"...yeah, kinda."

"oh..."

"sorry."


and that's how my week began, a passing conversation with a coworker that would portend the beginning of my mental decline. if i looked sick, it was because i was slowly losing my sanity and it was impacting my physical fortitude.

by that night i could barely function. the next morning i could not, could not, open my eyes when my alarm went off. eventually, i had to throw myself out of bed and stumble to the shower. i ran into the wall a few times.

i almost collapsed walking to work. i almost fell down the escalator into the metro station. every time i shut my eyes at my desk, i nodded off for a few minutes.

at night, i came home and sat in my chair and stared at the wall, completely exhausted and too tired to sleep.

rinse and repeat on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.

it's been one of those weeks where everything on your burners needs immediate attention. pots are overflowing, the kettle is whistling with shrill insistence, and the bacon is burning in the pan. if you came into my mental kitchen, you would see me standing there like a dear in the headlights, completely flummoxed because there is so much to do and i haven't figured out yet how to do it all. this week my sanity went up in flames, and i was left standing there in the billowing black smoke with nothing left to give.

i'm not sure why this week was chosen by the fates as the week that would become The Week. was it friday the 13th? the impending ides? purim? can i blame purim? or maybe it was...

the email from HR about more restrictions on our insurance policy...

trying to find shoes for my wide feet...

trying to find clothes for my wide body...

the growing clutter, so bad now that i can barely move -- the stuff i found for free off the street, the huge bag for goodwill, the stack of papers for filing...

the never ending trips to cvs...

sophia's issues at school...

scheduling a trip to texas...

scheduling visiting teaching for four women, one of them in a rest home, none of them near a metro station, and i don't have a car...

dealing with a new calling...

the lack of sleep...

my never ending pile of laundry...

the ironing, heaven help me, the ironing...

the evil of others...

waiting for everything that i need to happen to happenfortheloveofmike...

needing to go to the grocery store...

constantly being hungry not matter how recently i've eaten...

trying to find time for a trip to costco, knowing that i have to carry whatever i buy all the way home...

cancer. frankly, i'm sick of it...

my job that is draining me like a dementor's kiss...

my ugly feet, the $65 pedicure that made a difference for one day...

the money wasted on cab fare because i didn't get up in time...

looming reviews and wondering about raises (if there are any to be had in times like these)...

trudging to work every day...

sore knees...

pants that fit in the legs, but not in the waist...

not being the blogger i want to be...

trying to grow my nails out and catching myself chewing on them...

ashy skin...

the loss of natural highlights...

spending $8 on lunch everyday because i don't have food to pack a lunch (see above re:Costco)...

not turning in a rebate in time...

the pile of boxes that need to be shipped back for refunds...

wondering what a generous fast offering really is...

the financial apocalypse...

waiting for other people to get their act together so that i can get my act together...

momentarily popping my head above the chaos and trying to address the future...husband? children? career? relocate? celestial? terrestrial? telestial?


serenity now.


i came into work yesterday and told the receptionist, "i'm taking a sick day tomorrow." then i walked back to my desk, sat down, and fell asleep before i had even logged on to my computer.

see you on monday.