:::Did She Ever Get Married?:::

(I wrote this post as soon as I woke up this morning, then chickened out of posting it, then reread it at work and thought, meh, what the hay.)

While I was in Texas, Sarah and I talked a lot about shifting our wants and dreams to fit the circumstances in our life that we've wound up in, great as those circumstances may be. We wondered how we could come to terms with knowing that it was time to mentally and emotionally move our focus from where we wanted to be to where we actually were in life, and then go from there without being hung-up on our original dreams. Make sense?

For example, I'm nearly 28, not married, and with no children. I'm never going to be a young mother at BYU. Heck, I'm never going to be a young mother. That dream is gone. It's just not going to happen, no matter how deeply rooted it was in my heart, and regardless of how 'good' I was or am, there is no way for me to jump back in time and have that experience.

I'm also not going to have a big old mess of children. Yeah, yeah, it's still technically possible and blah, blah, blah, but don't you believe that you can feel in your heart when a door closes? I do, and I think that door has creeeeaked shut.

And now, being closer to 30 than I am to 20 (thank heavens), I feel like I juuust might have the answer to the 'will I ever get married' question, and I think, all things considered, that the scale is tipped in favor of 'no'. What does this mean? Well, it means that sometimes I'm sad about it, but most of the time it just feels natural in an accepting way, and that's why I think that I kind of know.


Me: Lord, will I get married?

Lord: No, Rebekah, not now.

Me: Oh, ok. So, can you guarantee me a garden flat in London?

Lord: Um, we'll see, dear.

Me: Hmm. I'll ask again in a little while, just in case.


The thing is, I just might get my garden flat in London, I just might get away with it. It's something within my power and capability and current life circumstances to bring about. It fits within the groove that my life has carved for me, it's on my track. That's a good, healthy place for my dreams and expectations to be because even if I don't get a garden flat in London, it's something I can at least get close to going in the direction that I'm going.

Sarah told me that my mom worries that I'll marry someone mean (news to me, Annette). I told her the question shouldn't be 'Will she marry someone mean?' but, 'Will she want to get married at all?' My life as a single person is starting to take shape and I really like what I'm seeing.

Do I want to get married? Do I still need to want to even if I think I won't? Is that the righteous thing to do?

I don't know if I want to get married. I'm not 23 anymore. I feel like I've been to the mountain top and I've seen down into the promised land. There is so much that I could do on the other side of 30, so much to experience, so much to have. And all those experiences and things and lessons would all be mine. Mine, mine, mine. And I could do whatever I wanted all of the time, and I would never have to worry about being a certain way to keep someone interested or in love with me. It would all be about me and the good things I wanted to do with my life. Hot. damn.

This is a breakthrough for me. Most of my 20s were spent worrying and crying over the fact that I wasn't good enough for the Lord to send me a man. Now I think, 'Meh, if someone wants me they can come and get me. In the mean time, I will go to Paaaaris!'

Do I sound selfish? Maybe I am. It probably doesn't matter though, because, hey, it is all about me. For a single person maybe selfishness is survival. I support myself. I plan for myself. I pay my bills. I organize and coordinate my entire life -- alone. I do it all, so, yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about me and what I want, what I want, what I want. If I don't, I'm...jobless? On the streets? Directionless? Dependent on others for the things I could do for myself? Never.

If there's not going to be a husband to share my life with or children to nurture, then good for me for wanting what is coming down the road. The Lord put it there, so good for me.


This post was supposed to end up as a list of unique things that I would bring to motherhood if I entered that blessed state much later in life than I had originally planned. Instead, something else spilled out onto the screen. Something very interesting...

To be continued...

:::In the Bleak Midwinter:::

I just found out that my favorite Christmas Carol -- 'In the Bleak Midwinter' -- was first written as a poem by the wonderful Christina Rosetti. I think her words here are perfect because they convey so simply and beautifully exactly what she is trying to say, and the exact feelings and observations that this moment would elicit. It's a sign of good writing when you feel positive that there is no other way in heaven or earth to nail the essence of something more completely than a certain writer already has.

This video below is my favorite rendition of 'In the Bleak Midwinter' by the Gloucester Cathedral Choir (and congregation). Don't you just want to be there with them? 9 times out of 10 this makes me cry.

In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
Water like a stone;
Snow had fallen,
Snow on snow,
Snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter,
Long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him,
Nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
When he comes to reign;
In the bleak midwinter
A stable place sufficed
The Lord God incarnate,
Jesus Christ.

Enough for him, whom Cherubim
Worship night and day
A breast full of milk
And a manger full of hay.
Enough for him, whom angels
Fall down before,
The ox and ass and camel
which adore.

Angels and archangels
May have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
Thronged the air;
But his mother only,
In her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the Beloved
With a kiss.

What can I give him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him
—Give my heart.

The first stanza is my favorite -- "In the bleak midwinter/Frosty wind made moan/Earth stood hard as iron/Water like a stone." Is that not perfect? If I tried for a million years I couldn't come up with something so succinct and yet so packed with imagery. I wish I had the mind of a poet because they see so many lyrical connections and interpretations in the world.

And yes, this marks the official start of the holiday season on this here blog. It's in the 60s right now and I had to wear a scarf tonight. Oh, and I literally just heard the air conditioning cut off for the first time since April. Ha, ha! Welcome, cold! Welcome, Christmas!

:::Bug Bite:::

This is what happens when I get bug bites --



This bad boy is almost 6 inches in diameter and is hot, itchy, and very scratchy. No worries though, I have two different kinds of itch remedies.

Today I am on duty at the house (I'll explain that in another post), so I'm just bumming around my room. The National Book Festival is going on down at the Mall, but I'll have to miss it for the second year in a row. Too bad.

:::Snapshots -- Wednesday, September 23, 2009:::

1. Well, whatever the heck was happening with my body temperature has now ended. Yesterday I felt as hot and stuffy as ever even though the air conditioner was on full blast. I think I have molten lava running through my veins instead of blood. Oh well, it was fun not feeling like a sweaty beast for a few days.

2. I am tired of walking everywhere. Even though I take the metro or the bus, I still have to walk in order to get to the stations or stops. Pound, pound, pound. Every morning as I walk to Union Station, and every night as I make my way up the street to my house. Pound, pound, pound.

3. This morning when I arrived at work I felt especially frazzled, and because of this I kept dropping things, forgetting things, and just doing things wrong. I did manage to get a package ready for Emily, but as I was walking to the mail room I realized that I had separately addressed and stamped the card that I should have included in the package. {Smack} More than likely the package will arrive before the card. {Smack} {Smack}

4. Yesterday I received 220 photos from my Texas trip that I had ordered from Snapfish. Most of them were of a horrible quality. I sent those off today as well in order to get my money back, but not before I had to reopen the thoroughly taped package to include my order information. {SMACK}

5. Today I ate a cookie that was literally the size of a frisbee.


6. That's the book I'm currently reading. I like it. It's well paced and comfortable with a good enough story to keep you going.

7. You would not be able to conceive how much I've spent on lunch in the past two weeks. Here's a hint: lunch in DC runs about $8-$10, easy. Add any kind of side or drink and you're looking at $11 and upwards. Plus, I've ordered Thai food twice. The place I order from has a $15 minimum for delivery.

8. As I was waiting for the bus tonight I looked up and saw some policemen on horseback. I was so happy that I had thought twice and decided to bring my camera to work with me today.


As they passed, the ladies at the bus stop were chatting about how pretty the horses were and how much they reminded them of New York, etc. When the horses had gone through the intersection we all turned back up the street to watch for the buses, and one of the women said, "Oh, now that's a shame."


I call this photo Wednesday, September 23, 2009, On Pavement.

9. Tonight was one of the nights that I ordered Thai. I got some satay sticks, and was surprised to find that a single slice of white bread was included in my order. This confused me, and I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. I've eaten a lot of Thai food in my life, but I've never been served white bread as a side. Unaware of its use, I just threw it away.


10. Someone just posted a Miss Marple episode on YouTube that was taken down about six months ago. Hot dog! I've been waiting for this for a long time.


Meh. Legale, non legale.

:::Global Colding:::

Last week I...

• Turned off my air conditioning
• Wore socks to bed (I never wear socks to bed)
• Wore long sleeves to work everyday
• Wore a sweater and a scarf to work one day
• Slept with my comforter pulled over my head
• Nearly froze to death in my room

How cold was it? 75 degrees, which isn't cold at all.

:::Molly Videos:::

I forgot that I had these two videos to post of Molly from my trip. The first video is Molly and I greeting the morning. The second is of Molly reprimanding Bruno, their new dog. It's her new favorite past time.

:::Laundry:::

Tonight I've spent my time washing all of my towels, rugs, and clothes, and in between loads downloading fonts while watching Murder, She Wrote episodes on Netflix. Is there anything more tedious than downloading fonts?

I don't find laundry to be tedious, but more of a drag. At least it is when I don't have machines in my home. When I do, I actually enjoy laundry, I even but this book. I like the suddent transformation from dirty to clean, the fresh start of newly laundered clothes and towels, and folding everything into neat piles. Plus, there's the mental relief of knowing that you aren't surrounded my dirty textiles anymore. Relying on public laundry facilities just takes some of the fun out of it though.


Here are the pros and cons of the laundry mat --

Pros

• If there are enough machines open, you can do more than one load at a time and get all of your laundry done at once.
• Sometimes laundry mats have high capacity machines or front loaders (mine doesn't).

Cons

• There might not be any machines open.
• You have to get dressed to do your laundry.
• You have to go back and forth to put the laundry in the washing machines, change it to the dryers, then pick it up.
• If you can't get enough machines for all of your laundry, you have to go back and forth even more.
• Theft.
• It costs money. Currently I'm paying $1 for washing, $.75 for drying.
• You end up sacrificing some of your clothes before you figure out the idiosyncrasies of your washers and dryers. It's usually the dryers that cause the most trouble.
• Like a beast of burden, you have to carry all of your clothes and detergent with you.
• Other people see your dirty unmentionables.
• Other people see your clean unmentionables.
• Because you have to pay, you can't do small loads whenever you need to. You have to wait until you have a full load of laundry to do the wash. Some weeks this drives me batty.

At least I'm lucky enough to have a laundry room in my building. If I didn't, I'd probably pay to have someone else come pick it up and do it for me.

:::Bounce House:::

On Friday night we all went to a bounce house that was nothing more than a warehouse with a few giant inflatables inside. It may not seem like a place with much fun potential for adults, but man, we all had such a good time.

We were the only ones in the whole place, so we adults could do whatever we wanted without worrying about public shame. Plus, we didn't have to worry about the kids interacting with other hopped up and insane children. It was like living out that dream of running around a mall after closing time with your friends.



The huge slide was by far the most popular attraction. All of us went down it many, many times.

The kids were really excited that we were playing with them. I had to keep reminding them not to follow me too closely up the stairs just in case I lost my footing and took them all down with me.

On one run I decided to take my camera up with me and video my view as I went down the slide.



I lost my stomach every single time I went down.

Molly proved to be as fearless as ever. With no help or encouragement whatsoever she ran to the slide and climbed easily up the stairs.

Watching her go down the slide was hilarious. Sometimes she'd stand up there and waive, but most of the time she got right down to business and threw herself down the slide.

My mom is going to get so anxious looking at these pictures, so I'll include some more.


She flew down that slide, usually flipping onto her tummy somewhere near the middle. So little, so fast. She's not even two years old yet.


Regardless of the fun we had, I wasn't feeling so hot after we left. Maybe it was all the running, screaming, climbing, sliding and bouncing I did. Maybe it was the ten minutes I spent trying to heave myself out of the inflatable obstacle course while trying to keep my shorts from falling off.

Maybe. Who knows.

On our way out the solitary bounce house worker told us that there was a tornado warning, so we made our way home via Pei Wei and the riveting entertainment of Air Buddies.

I was hoping we'd see some action, but nary a twister touched down. I guess that's for the better since the children are afraid of storms and Sarah and Don's fence and rain gutters have been ripped off their house more than once.


Isn't this picture gorgeous? Those clouds are beautiful.

:::Snapshots -- Friday, September 11, 2009:::

1. Earlier in the week we went to eat at a Mexican place here called Chuy's. I was excited because there aren't that many, if any, Tex-Mex places in DC and I love this kind of food.


I really could eat thin, oily, salted chips and salsa each day of my life and never get sick of them.

Sarah got a salad that came with a creamy jalapeno dressing that people also dip their chips in. It's pretty good, and it's got a nice kick to it.


Molly really liked it, but this is what her face looked like after every bite. She kept going back for more though.


2. Last night we had a slow cooker lasagna that I made. Well, Sarah cooked and I put it together. I saw the recipe before I left in Kraft Food & Family Magazine (did anyone else get a notice that they were going to have to start paying for it?) and wanted to try it out.


We added our own spices and made a few modifications, but it was really good for a basic American lasagna. In fact, I wouldn't see the point in making lasagna in a pan anymore.


3. Yesterday and today it's been raining fairly steadily. I love long rain storms. Back in DC rainstorms are really intense, but they come and go quickly. I prefer it so much more when it rains all day long.

The rain temporarily stopped during dinner so we opened the sliding glass door to enjoy the after-rain air. I wish we could have this type of weather on demand.



4. Scott in my sunglasses at Sprouts.


I will steal him one day.



5. Today I went to Sophie's school for some kind of eat-lunch-with-your-grandparent-or-other-special-person day.


Some kids, like young Harrison here, didn't have anyone come. So sad. He was actually really, really talkative and just started talking to me out of the blue in a stream of consciousness kind of way.

"My mom said she could probably come next Tuesday. Next Tuesday."

"I always get cheese pizza. We have pepperoni, and we have cheese. I get cheese."

Harrison has pwobwems with his awrs, which made him even cuter. I thought his name was Hailson for a bit until he spelled it for me.


I took this picture on the sly since Sarah told me I had to stop photographing other people's children or else I'd get arrested.


After we finished our Chick-fil-A kid's meals with fruit not fries Sophie started rooting around in the bags looking for 'the rest of her food.' Umm...It's not in my dna to let anyone go hungry, so I went and bought her a hot lunch for $2.75 so she could have a slice of pizza. I ate the corn and kept the pink milk for her for later.


6. While I was in the school, Sarah was in the car with the kids who were eating their Sonic kid's meals. This is Scott posing with his helicopter. Eyes closed, why?


This is Molly throwing her ambulance at me.


Love you too, you stinking little...


7. Another new Texas food experience -- Braum's ice cream. I got a chocolate marshmallow sundae. Not bad, not bad at all.


We never did make it to Whataburger. Maybe next time, maybe next time.

:::Nothing to Something:::

Tomorrow is my last full day here in Texas. I am sad, I don't want to go back. People know me here, people love me here. There are people here for me to talk to and joke with who get me. There is a place for me to fit here.

But, my life is someplace else, and I don't even know if this is where I'd be if I had more control over my circumstances. I've got a life taking me one place, and my sister's family has their own life taking them another. When each of us sisters turned 18 we all flew out the door and hit the ground running in our own different directions. We'll always have our different paths, so we'll always have to say goodbye.

:::It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas:::

When we went to Hobby Lobby this week I was a little surprised to see so many Halloween decorations out already. Then I saw the rows and rows devoted to fall decor, and then all the rows and rows for the Christmas decorations.







I feel so behind on Valentine's.

:::Spike the Dinosaur:::

We went to Target on Monday to get a bookshelf for Sarah and Don's bedroom. Of course, any trip to the store with children requires a lengthy stop in the toy aisle. That's where we saw this awesome dinosaur toy that I totally want.



It costs a little bit less than a sewing machine. I think the dinosaur is much more useful.

:::Dallas Arboretum:::

On Saturday I got on a plane and flew to Texas for a one week vacation. The flight was smooth sailing the whole way. I got an aisle seat, sat next to a woman who slept the entire time, and bought a cheese and cracker tray. I am easy to please.

As a point of interest, many aisle seats on planes have arm rests that can be raised. Did you know that? There's a little silver button on the inside of the arm towards that back that unlocks the arm and allows you to push it up. Very useful information that I figured out through observation and trial and error.

As soon as Sarah and Don and the kids picked me up from the airport we went to Taco Bell (oh, how I miss it), then drove to the Dallas Arboretum.


It is a beautiful and well thought out space filled with flowers, trees and a lot of greenery. The kids had fun looking at all of the storybook houses that were on display, but the main attractions were anything that had to do with water.


This giant frog was a favorite of everyone.


And so was this little pond, as well as these cool waterfalls.


It turns out Scott can take some pretty decent pictures. Sarah is going to print out the photos he took there and display them as part of their primary talent show.


I had to photograph my Keens in the first outdoor/rugged environment I've ever worn them in.


They're as ugly as original sin, but truly are the best shoes ever.


I had the brilliant idea to rent a wagon for $5 so the kids could sit down if they got tired. I thought it was funny that most of the time they didn't want to be in the wagon, but would rather be walking around. Kids. Towards the end though when their little feet started dragging we were glad that we got it.


We followed a few paths and wound around the grounds for awhile just looking at different plants and watching the kids play in every water feature they could get to.


This koi pond wasn't my favorite. Do these fish scare anyone else? I don't know what it is about them, but they have frightened me since I was a little girl.


Unfoooortunately, I didn't get to take all the pictures I wanted. Turns out that when you're watching three wandering and active children (even with three adults) you don't have much time to contemplate and set up photos. Who knew?


We also saw four or five brides there taking wedding photos. Sophie loved looking at them, and I couldn't help wondering how incredibly hot they must have been in their heavy satin dresses, thick makeup, and petticoats on.

When we couldn't take the heat anymore we finally left and went to Sonic (yes!), then headed home. I'm really happy to be here, but I'm dreading going back to DC because I think I've finally reached my limit. I just feel done. This is going to be the hardest return I've ever made.

:::Penn Quarter Farmers Market:::

Yeah, went to another Farmers Market today during a late lunch hour.



I am such a sucker for Farmers Markets.



I will buy anything from you if you've made it, baked it, cooked it, or grown it yourself.



I walked away with:

1 loaf of french peasant bread to take to Texas
1 hunk of hard, mildly pungent goat milk cheese
1 chicken empanada
1 beef empanda
1/2 quart of Thai coconut milk gelato
1 slice of fig tart


I love it. I can't get enough of it.