there are two factors that have contributed to my lack of posting lately --
1) i've grown tired of trying to write in the voice. you may know what i'm talking about. the voice is that deep, insightful, reflective, witty, original tone that i feel i have to use in my blogging. i'm not sure if i ever successfully assumed the voice, but i'm constantly worried about doing so. each time that i've sat down to blog in the past few weeks i've felt incredibily burdened by reaching this expectation, so, for the most part, i just haven't blogged. today i've decided to ignore the pull of the voice and just start writing my little blog entries again. i hope it works.
2) 0ne of the buttons popped off of my camera on memorial day. i bought a replacement button on ebay yesterday, and i hope that it not only arrives shortly, but that it snaps right into place and works perfectly.
in the past i've felt hesitant about constantly documenting my life, but now that i don't have a the luxury of a fully-functioning camera, i've found that i really miss taking photos of things that interest me, make me smile, make me scratch my head, etc. i took a four block walk to a mexican restaurant tonight and i felt heart pains almost every other step because i was missing out on so many picture-taking opportunities.
right now it may seem weird that as i walk around i take so many pictures of trees, ivy, brick sidewalks, row houses, flowers, light posts, and on and on, but someday i won't be living this life anymore and it will make me happy to look back at these pictures and see the little things that had caught my eye. if i have children, i know they will appreciate it as well as i would have loved to see photos like this of my own mother's life.
3) i hate, hate, hate my computer set up. it requires that i type on my laptop and crane my head to the left to look at the monitor. it makes my neck hurt, it occasionally gives me a headache, and sometimes i just don't want to deal with it.
in spite of all of this, i still feel the pull of blogging and feel sad that i've been avoiding it for so long. therefore, i hereby resolve that --
1) i will blog without letting the voice hinder me.
2) i will make my blog a place of me. each post will be like adding another brushstroke to a canvas, and as the pictures is made i won't try to anticipate what the final product will be. instead, i'll go with the flow of each brushstroke.
3) i will recommit to documenting my life in a fashion that makes me happy.
4) i will not be afraid to take cues, ideas, and inspiration from the things around me.
5) while i'm waiting for my camera button to arrive, i'll try to find some old pictures to liven things up a bit. maybe this will include a few self-portraits that the voice didn't want to see the light of day...
6) the computer...oh, this darn computer. there's not much i can do about it now since i have other savings goals that i'm working toward that i feel are a bit more important at this time. i think i need to turn this over as a constant matter of prayer, and not just a matter of woeful wishing. when i think of all the little things that i'd like to print out for my visiting teachees but can't (cards, tags for gifts, reminder cards for appointments, quotes, letters, handouts) it makes me sad. there may be a way around this problem and i'm just not seeing it yet.
i hope this works. a good and thorough blog makes me so happy because it means that i'm actively caring about my life, and that means that i'm in a good place mentally.