Tuesday, July 7, 2009

:::worth fighting for:::

actually, a bucket of vanilla pudding, homemade of course, sounds very good right now.

in my life depression primarily works in three ways. there is the noise that distracts me from the truths that i 'know' and the things that i need to do, the worries that buffer me from happiness, and the distorted perceptions that skew the way that i see reality. when i was younger, ahem, i wished that i wouldn't have to deal with any other difficulties in life since i had the extra burden of dealing with depression.

now that i am older, ahem, what i wish for is the ability to handle the ordinary difficulties of life while minimizing the extraordinary impact of depression. this approach is a great improvement on my previous attitude. now i'm the active and responsible position in my life and not the depression. while depression still really hurts me, i've come to understand that it isn't me, and it isn't the Lord (major breakthrough). in the midst of struggles i try hard to hold onto that knowledge. as opposed to a short time ago, these days i now have quicker turnarounds in my low-to-regular well-being cycles.

it's also helped me to realize that life is very difficult for everyone. everyone wants something that they don't have or wants to progress more than they are progressing, and each year can bring more growing pains and disappointments. i know that this holds true for everyone on some level. my friend heidi also taught me that everyone has something in them that can bloom in the soil they've been planted in no matter who or where they are. she also made me, made me, realize me that the experiences that i'm having are worth having even if i'd rather be doing something else of equal or greater value. that was a huge light bulb moment for me.

as part of my daily scripture study last night, i read only one verse in Alma. only one scripture, but i spent an hour thinking about it, writing about it, and praying about it.

Alma 13: 23 --

And they are made known unto us in plain terms, that we may understand, that we cannot err; and this because of our being wanderers in a strange land; therefore, we are thus highly favored, for we have these glad tidings declared unto us in all parts of our vineyard.

that was exactly what i needed to hear, down to every last concern i had on my mind yesterday.

this is a picture that just makes me happy. it's only one small vignette of many good and beautiful things in a life worth living.


michelle said...

I love this post. Your words on how depression affects you articulate exactly how it makes me feel, but I never put it into those words. And I know what you mean about wishing that it was your only trial!

Your attitude shift shows a great deal of maturity. I love that your friend was able to make you see the value of your life experiences right now. Carry on!

mom said...

I don't think you realize that your talent with words helps others define and understand their joys and sorrows. You have a precious gift.

The flowers are beautiful and I see that living growing pine tree, your favorite candle (I always think of those days in Dallas) and the sparkling jewel (that's you) completing the picture.

God bless Heidi!

Anonymous said...

i love you beka