I am not happy.
I am not happy because I hate to exercise. I hate it. For the past three weeks I've been exercising regularly and it has not made me feel better, more uplifted, more productive, or more awesome. It has made me tired, stressed, sore, and majorly worn out on an emotional and physical level. It has disrupted my sleep patterns. It has made me feel like I can't cope with anything else in my life because exercising has taken over my life.
The only benefit that I can see from this stupid experiment is that I can somewhat defend myself when the negative voice in my head starts calling me a lazy fatty.
I want my life back. I chose my life, free time, 8 hours of sleep, creative projects, work productivity, calm evenings, functioning knees, and my positive attitude over exercise. I'm not sorry about this right now.
I am willing to work harder on my eating, as in working hard to do the work that is really going to hurt (as in, touch my carbs and DIE!). This I can do without feeling like I need to beat my brains out. Changing my eating habits will not by any means be easy, but I don't hate the thought of it. In fact, it's something that I've wanted to do my entire life, but I've just never felt that I was strong enough to break free from my dependency on food.
I want to be a healthier eater who makes wise food choices and knows what full feels like. I want to have the strength to say 'no', 'no, more,' 'no thank you,' 'no, I packed my lunch,' 'no dessert tonight,' 'i'm full,' 'i'm about to be full,' 'let's add more vegetables,' 'let's make this without meat,' 'let's make something with less sugar,' 'I don't need pasta and bread,' 'we don't need food to celebrate,' and more and more and more, to infinity and beyond.
I dream about a version of me (weight be darned) who is in control of what she puts into her body. This person makes educated decisions about food and not only controls how much she eats, but also pays heed to the quality and the value of what she eats. She isn't afraid of food or eating, in fact, she embraces both. This is the me I long to be, that I'm am willing (Geronimo!) to work towards. I love visiting with this version of me. She is a woman in control, with real struggles, with real trials, but with real will power. She is strong and balanced and tells me good things about myself, even in my current almost-anything-goes state.
I have no idea if she likes to exercise. Quite frankly, it's never come up.
4 comments:
I love this, Rebekah. I want to be that woman, too! And your last line made me laugh out loud.
When I am walking at the beach or up and down the stairs, I feel that way. I have taken to working with my hands (can't eat while sewing) and have accomplished that goal for one night.
Oh, yes, and I threw away the chocolate bar in my office desk.
Maybe because you're doing the wrong type of exercise for yourself. Just as there are different ways to do scripture study and each way works for different people at different times in their lives.
Maybe you should find a new way to exercise. I have a friend who never does the same type of exercise more than 3 days in a row and she's in great shape.
"I love visiting with this version of me." What a great way to articulate a thought I'm sure we can all share!
It's too bad that you're not feeling better after exercising, I really didn't know that was possible. I don't love to exercise, but when I do I always feel stronger physically and empowered mentally.
I could use some serious improvement in my eating attitudes and choices, but that seems even harder than exercising!
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